The Surrogate

A set back

Sunday August 7th.

Seb stares at a particular contact on his mobile phone screen, his facial expression one of concern as he thinks. He doesn't want to go against Holly's wishes but he's worried about her and wants her to speak to a doctor.

She's become withdrawn and tearful, distancing herself not only from himself but from their ten day old daughter too. Any physical contact with Emilia is limited to feeding times, the rest of the time she just doesn't seem to want to know. He knows she's barely sleeping but she's also barely eating, drinking, speaking or even washing herself. It's like she's sunk into depression.

They both knew it would be tough. Seb had fully expected life with a newborn to consist of broken sleep, nappy changes and feeds at any hours of the day or night. Even he feels a bit tired and he's a trained athlete.

"Stop worrying, I'll be fine." Her voice breaks his train of thought and he looks from his phone screen to her, his expression making it clear that he doesn't believe her.

"I can't help it, you've not been yourself since Wednesday," he replies, tapping his phone repeatedly against the palm of his left hand.

"I'm just tired," she shrugs and lifts her legs to tuck them beneath herself on the sofa, "I'm not used to life with a baby, I'm usually gone by now," her voice trails off on the last word and the magnitude of her decision hits home once more. She's a mother now, to not just one but two children and it's hellishly daunting. She's still scarred by her experience as a teenage parent and it's a scar that runs deep.

"I still think you could do with talking to someone," Seb disagrees, "I can get the doctor to come here, you wouldn't even need to leave the house."

"I am not depressed," Holly grumbles back.

He sits himself down on the sofa next to her and turns to face her, "then talk to me, tell me how you're feeling and what's on your mind. Is it Imogen? Are you missing her?" He wants to add how he feels and fears that she's taken steps backwards and has now changed her mind about being a mother but he keeps it to himself for now.

She shakes her head and tries to blink back the rapidly forming tears, "it's not just that," she chokes out.

He waits a few seconds to see if she'll talk some more but she seems to clam up and instead wipes her eyes with her hands. "Holly, come on, talk to me," he tries again. "You're not sleeping, you're barely eating or drinking and I hate to say this but you're not taking proper care of yourself. I'm seriously worried."

Her mind is so mixed up. She's gone through days of thinking and then overthinking, nights haunted by bad dreams and memories and the fear she has inside her has taken a crippling hold of her and devoured what shred of confidence she had left. She's terrified. Terrified of failing two little lives even though she knows she wouldn't be doing this alone. She hasn't got it in her to be a decent mother, the way she can barely bring herself to even hold Emilia has all but proved it.

He knows he ought to be more patient but he's too worried and he takes charge, stating, "I'm calling the doctor, you can't carry on like this." With that he gets to his feet and unlocks his phone.

But Holly flies up to her feet and grabs his wrist, tugging on it and imploring him, "no please! I said no doctors!"

"I think you're unwell and I'd worry a lot less if you spoke to a doctor. Please Holly, you need to deal with this before it gets worse," he insists, his heart aching at the tears rolling down her cheeks. "I'm pretty sure you've got postnatal depression."

"Please Seb, I don't need to see a doctor," she tries once more and hastily wipes her eyes with her free hand, "I'll be ok, I'm just a bit hormonal, it'll pass."