Sweet Revenge

XXXVI

"You answer, I'll b-be right back"
My eyes were still fixed on the person sitting at the table across from ours when I got up to go to the bathroom.
In seconds I felt the world fall on me, it was enough seeing the man with the skin just a little lighter than mine, with that short black hair and a perfectly shaved beard to remind me of him, it took me a glimpse of that person's profile to bring back everything that for six years I tried to repress so hard.

I put a hand to my throat feeling it become tight with each breath my lungs took, each breath became more painful and burning; walking towards the bathroom I turned my neck in the direction of that person, I needed to reassure myself once again that it wasn't him but in doing so I bumped into someone.

"Miss is everything okay?"
A waitress asked me looking at me with inquisitive eyes and placed her arms on me so as to stabilize me and prevent me from tripping but as soon as I felt her hands on my skin I immediately removed them not being able to bear them on me.
"I'm fine"
I said lowering my gaze not wanting to meet that of the person in front of me who surely had an expression I couldn't handle to see at that moment, I put my hands around my body trying to do an exercise that my psychologist at the military camp taught me for whenever I got panic attacks.

"Where is the toilet"
I asked in a small voice with my breath still labored, feeling the sweat stung my forehead and increasing the sense of discomfort that I felt in my own skin.

"Go straight then turn right"
The woman told me and I went not raising my head yet, once in front of the bathroom a couple of ladies came out of there chatting fortunately not paying attention to my presence; I went in and closed the door so that no one could enter then as if in autopilot I headed with trembling legs to the sink and turned on the water.

Inside me there was a hurricane of emotions, I just wanted to scream and cry to do something that would allow me to vent my anger and sadness; putting a hand to my chest I squeezed my white shirt seeing how it writhed under my grip then I looked up at the mirror and saw in it someone I didn't recognize, not the proud woman who would never give up for anything in the world but a weak woman who was letting herself be controlled by emotions.

Drops of sweat fell into my eyes bringing an annoying burning to them and making them slightly red, the neck of the shirt wet with sweat, the tired and defeated expression I had was enough to increase the sense of nausea I was feeling since my eyes stopped on that stranger who wasn't my father.

I couldn't bear that feeling anymore so I leaned over the sink and carried two fingers down my throat and tried to throw it all up, all the emotions that caused me to still feel that little girl locked in her dorm too scared to get out of her bubble and trust anyone again because everyone around her had the face of Joseph Williams, everyone would have abandoned her just like he did, no exceptions.
As hard as I was trying nothing came out of my mouth, only the sound of my gags was heard so with a sob I slowly fell to the ground and embraced my body sticking my head in my legs.

"I'm not your father anymore"
No please.
"I can't wait to get rid of you"
I will be better.
I will be like mom but please, please don't leave me.

I found myself saying the same words over and over again, those words that had haunted me for all these years and that still today make me that little insecure girl who would do anything to earn even a shred of her father's love.
I opened my eyes feeling powerless, I felt weak both mentally and physically but had to get up and give myself a shake.

I got up from the ground helping me by clinging to the sink and once I could finally stand I didn't even look at my reflection, I simply washed my face with cold water and rested my wrists under it sighing softly.
Once finished I left the bathroom and headed back to our table with a smile so that Nicolai wouldn't see the actual state I was in, the state under the mask that I had built for years.