Kissing the fire

Kabanata 38

Life

I thought it's been a week since that night but when I woke up, I realized it's the day after yesterday.

I was bombarded by texts and calls from my friends and family. My eyebrows furrowed when I got unusual missed calls from my aunt Esmeralda and aunt beauty.

I opened my socmed accounts and that's when I let go of my phone. I look at my hands and I can't stop it from shivering. I quickly deactivated all of my accounts and tucked in on my blanket.

"Sierra!" I started sobbing when I heard kuya's incessant knocks, "Open the door, sierra, please,"

I shook my head even though he's not gonna see me. I feel so dirty about myself. I feel so ashamed that I wanna undergo a plastic surgery to the point that nobody recognizes me anymore. But I can't run away now, this is the mistake that I brought to myself.

"Samson!" Mommy estrella screamed as Dad landed his palm against my face. I bit my lips and sobbed as I held my skin. My breath hitched as my sobs were getting louder. I was supposed to make them proud for me but what did I do? All I ever did was dissapoint them.

"Because of the scandal you did, The Monteclaro's pulled all of their shares and decided not to marry off their son to you!" Dinuro ako ni dad and I can feel all his rage for me. Ngayon, dahil sa akin my family will go to bankruptcy. I shut my eyes to feel as if I am going into the past.

But this is reality, walang reset button. Kung may mali kang nagawa, kailangan harapin mo. Kailangan panindigan mo.

"Putangina, Sierra Lianne! Akala ko nag-aaral ka nang maigi, nakikipag-kantutan ka lang pala sa Vergara na iyon!" I held my chest as I sobbed. I kneeled down my knees in front of my dad to beg for forgiveness, "Even though you apologize multiple times, hindi na mabubura ang hitsura mo doon. Kahit pa na burahin yung video ay Kalat na kalat na iyon sa buong mundo! Akala ko ba matalinong tao ka? Bakit ang bobo bobo mo pagdating diyan?" Dad turned around and massaged his forehead.

Kahit na sisihin ko pa si Nepthalie sa pag-papakalat ng video na iyon, ang puno't dulo pa rin ng lahat ng ito ay ako. Hindi ko na mababago pa ang tingin nila sa akin.

"Era..." I held ate's hand as she gave me a smile. I'm relieved she doesn't know anything about this.

"How are you feeling today, sis?" I said as I fix the strands of her hair.

"I should be the one asking you that..." She fixed her position to sit and looked at me like she was waiting for me to tell her something. I sighed.

"Ate..."

"Era, you may fool everyone else but you can't fool me..." I sobbed as I imagined her telling me things like that if she aren't in the ICU right now.

For me, Ate is the most important matter I have to deal with. Wala na akong pakialam kung may kalat na kalat na akong scandal, ang importante ay nariyan ako para sa kapatid ko kahit hindi niya alam. Hindi man niya ako nahahawakan o nakikita pero alam kong nararamdaman niya pa rin ako.

"Era..." Kuya arrived wearing his race car jumpsuit. He returned to racing again? "I received a message from Byron and corynn that you dropped college?" 

I sighed. I deactivated my accounts and turned off my phone since that day. They can't all connect to me. Wala naman akong ibang maririnig kundi masasakit na salita lalo na sa side ni mommy estrella. They're disappointed at me to the bone, forever. If they can send terrible messages to me online, how much more if I go out and receive them personally?

"Kuya, how am I supposed to go to a university now that my video has spread? It's better to stop than to be humiliated everyday," he sighed and sat beside me.

"Remember when I said we have to stop because it can be draining sometimes and If you still continue despite of hurting, you'll lose yourself?" I looked at Kuya and he smiled at me, "I stopped but I still continued. Mag-papahinga pero hindi susuko. You also said that life is short and maybe I'll regret it if I can't do it now,"

"So you returned to racing?"

"Exactly," he then ruffled my hair, "If you stop completely now, what about your dream of becoming an Accountant?"

I scoffed.

"Sira na ako dito sa Pilipinas, kuya. Hindi na ako pwedeng maging accountant," kuya held my hand and somehow it made me comfortable that I have my brother by my side.

"I'll join the Vios Cup at Pampanga next month. If I win the first place, it'll be a good opportunity for me to get a lot of sponsorships and hopefully, speed up my racing career," Kuya squeezed my hand, "I'll support your studies at Germany,"

"But what about ate?"

"I'll take care of her here while you study hard at Germany, okay?" He said and kissed my forehead. I nodded and I can't help to sob as my brother hugged me.

Wala akong ibang ginawa ng halos isang buwan kundi hintayin si ate na magising. She has been transferred from the ICU since last week and I can't believe that the reason why she's breathing right now is because of a machine connected to her.

"Ate, miss na kita..." I can't help but tear up. Once or twice a week na lang bumibisita sila mommy and daddy kasi sobrang busy sila sa kakabenta ng properties namin. I admit that we are getting poor now but that's the least of my worries as long as my sister will heal.

Wala akong ibang kinausap rito kundi si ate lang. It's also been a month since I was here and practically, I live in the hospital now. 

"How's riri?" I turned around and saw it's ate's boyfriend. Sometimes, kuya Gerovick visits and that's the time that I can talk to someone else rather than my family.

"Miss ka na daw niya," I said and chuckled. I can't help but look at his back everytime he visits. He's probably busy with Nathalie now. I supposed we are really over.

"Gising ka na babe, please..." Lumapit si Kuya Gerovick kay ate at hinawakan ang noo nito. I crossed my arms as I gaze at the couple in front of me. Maybe, someday I can find a love like that. A love that will not wither, a love that will not give up.

"Sino yan?" I widened my eyes when I heard dad's voice, "Gerovick Vergara?"

"Sir–"

"Aba, putangina ka ha!" I held dad's shoulders as he held the collar of kuya Gerovick, "Ang kapal ng mukha mong pumunta rito!"

"Dad, please....tama na," Hindi gugustuhin ni ate ang ganitong gulo.

"I'm really sorry, but I love your daughter and I will continue to visit here..." Nakaamba na si dad na suntukin si Kuya Gerovick when we heard a noise from the machine...

"Sierra, tumawag ka ng nurse!" I widened my eyes and quickly went out to find a nurse.

Nanginginig na ako at nanlalamig pero nakaabot pa ako sa nurses' station.

"Nurse, please puntahan mo yung ate ko sa room 7," naiiyak kong saad. Susundan ko na sana ang nurse nang may dumaan na tray ng pagkain...

Ang baho...

I held my stomach as I felt that I needed to vomit. I quickly ran to the CR and vomitted all to the sink. I deeply sighed as I shut my eyes hard.

This isn't it.

There shouldn't be a growing life inside my stomach.