"And so I'm sorry, Caren," I finished my apology.
"Mhm...yeahhh, I don't believe you," she said, then stood up from the lunch table. "Nice try though."
I followed after her, trying to figure out what else I could say to get her to be my friend again.
"I think my words from this morning finally sunk in after three years of me saying the shit on autopilot. I think you finally realized that I'm your only friend and now you only kissing my ass so you don't get lonely."
"No, no, that's not true," I lied.
"You've realized I'm the only chick you got now, since Nolina's out of the picture."
"Caren...yes, but I'm really sorry-
"Just like couples take a break, friendships need one too, sometimes," she stopped and held me by the shoulders, her tone serious, her eyes filled with finality. "I think you need to see what life is like without anybody by your side for you to realize what you truly got."
"I shouldn't have to rely on myself 24/7, Caren. I can't handle that. That's why I need you. The stress gets to me. And you know that affects my anger," I pleaded.
"Then learn how to cope," she advised. "I can't deal with you right now. I need to take a step back and deal with my own shit. Check out my own priorities. I'm more than just your friend, Gi. I have a life too."
"I can't do this on my own," I felt my eyes watering up. "You really gonna leave me all alone during the height of all this drama?"
"I'm sorry."
I nodded to myself. "I'm the only person I can trust. I don't know why I thought I'd ever get close to anyone."
"Gialla, no," Caren sighed.
I yanked myself away from hers.
"Life must be sooo hard for you, Caren. People judge you all the time. You have to deal with Tara and Nolina. My fault, I never realized," I said sarcastically.
"I do deal with judgment too," she looked at me seriously. "I'm a black chick who likes alt fashion. People already have their pre-conceived notions about me. That I worship this and that. That I'm weird. That I'm white washed. That I only listen to this or that genre. That they can't relate to me too. That I'm not connected with my roots. But guess what, every day that I get out of bed and enjoy my life, I'm proving them wrong. I'm not saying we go through the same things. I'm just telling you that the world doesn't revolve around you, Gialla Collins, and I need a break from your world."
I watched Caren as she walked away.
"She's right," I sighed, rubbing my face as I wondered what the hell I was gonna do now.
"Gialla, we gotta talk."
No shit.
Tara approached me out of nowhere in the hallway after lunch. I got some intense deja vu, remembering one of our fights from ninth grade.
"Yeah, I agree. Where?" I followed her into a quiet hall that no kids were going through since everyone this way was still in the middle of class.
"I'm sorry," she started off.
"Tara," I sighed, going to her and pulling her in for a hug. It took a moment, but eventually she relaxed and wrapped her arms around me too. I pulled back, awkwardly smiling.
"I didn't think Nolina would do something like this. I think it's because I told her me and you were cool now. She must've been planning this all weekend."
"Wouldn't put it past her," I shrugged.
"I'm just...I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to deal with the ridicule and all that. It definitely fell down on me heavy when everybody found out me and Felicity used to mess around. Even Nolina was mean about it," she explained. "You was jerking off ya strap's together," she mimicked Lina, "I know you wasn't opening yo legs for a lil nigga."
"I know how it feels now to be judged about who you like," I admitted quietly. "I'm sorry for being a dick, Tara."
"No...you were just following how everyone else in this hellhole thinks," she laughed, a bitter expression on her face. "Doesn't excuse it, but still. How can people change if they don't know what they're changing from and to?"
"True."
We stood there together for a moment.
"So now what? What can I do so people won't be getting smart with me?" I asked, "And how can you," I pointed at her chest, "keep your girl from getting killed?"
"Maybe if I try and clear your name- tell people what Lina is saying isn't true. That might help," she shrugged.
"I don't want any might's, Tara. I want my life back. And I want my friends back too, low key. All of this drama is costing me," I pleaded. "And I know I haven't treated you the best in the past, but I'm really tryna turn shit around, you understand?"
"I'll try my best. But I don't want to hurt Lina."
"She's hurting me," I argued back.
I looked away from her. What good was it to even say that, man? Why would Tara care if I was hurting? She didn't care about me. I was just an old enemy.
"I'm sorry that she's hurting you, Gi. But she's still my girlfriend," she stated.
"Even after all of this," I looked at her in disgust, "You and Nolina are fucking nasty to just be taking each other back and forth like that. I don't care- if somebody cheats on me, I'm dipping. That cheating shit ain't cute. If someone cheats, if someone starts drama around me- I'm gone. What's wrong with you, Tara?"
"We got a bond, Gialla," she sighed.
"I kept your secret all these years," I hissed.
"Apparently you didn't," she frowned. "How'd Lina find out?"
I clamped my mouth shut. She was right. I did tell Nolina and Caren about the ninth grade moment, but it wasn't...that wasn't my intention...all of this was not supposed to happen!
"I didn't mean to. It was just them two. I'm sorry, Tara. But things are different now. You don't see me in the halls telling people you were the one who kissed me first even though that's the truth, whether I kissed you back or not. I've still tried to keep that moment between us private even when I should be defending myself. I should at least be able to get your help a little just for that, right?"
"I don't know," she shook her head.
"Either tell everybody the truth, say that we never kissed, or I'll let everyone know you kissed me," I stated, crossing my arms.
"Wow. So now I'm forced into this?"
"You chose to date Nolina," I bumped her shoulder, heading for the end of the hall. "Maybe if you hadn't done that to spite me, we wouldn't be in this predicament."
Tara laughed, her eyes dark with emotion, "You're that into me that you think I'm dating someone else to piss you off. Did you seriously think I started dating Lina all this time just to get back at you? When I'm with Nolina, when my head's between her thighs, I'm never thinking about you, Gialla."
I stood there, staring at Tara.
That shit truly hurt me. And it made me mad. It really did. "Damn. If it's like that, don't talk to me again, Tara."
I left the hall, tears trickling down my face.
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