After the ceremony, we all huddled together for pictures, an empty void where my mother should have been as my friends parents captured a timeless moment threw their lenses.
"On the count of three: One, two, three. Macaroni!"
"Macaroni," we all smiled, Caren, Tara, and me squished together.
"Somebody special's looking for you," Tara's mother whispered in my ear, sliding a small wrapped box my way.
"What's this?"
"Tara only instructed me to tell you to open it when she said so," she shrugged.
"Well...who's the special person?" I looked around.
The gym was emptying out and floods of people from all walks of life carried balloons and diaper bags and sweaty smiles.
"Gialla."
I turned around and Tara wrapped her arm around my waist, nuzzling her head into my neck. I giggled a little, feeling slightly awkward to be doing this in front of everybody's parents.
"Did you get the box?"
"Yeah," I nodded, giving her a small kiss on the cheek.
"Did you open it yet?"
"No. Your mom said not to," I explained.
"Good. Cause there's a more important surprise than mine waiting for you," she gave me a soft smile.
"What?" I asked, suddenly feeing uneasy.
"I came as fast as I could."
My mother stood in front of me, coming from around the corner near the restrooms.
I studied her face. Tried to find any comfort in her presence. In the old her. I just...couldn't. "Why didn't you tell me you were planning this all this time?" I turned on Tara, clutching her box to my chest as I stared at her accusingly.
"I didn't know," she quickly said, "your mom approached me in the bathroom and asked if I could lead her to you. I- I had other plans than this surprise. What's in the box is your surprise."
I turned away from Tara, and looked at my mother.
"What are you doing here?"
"I had to come and see my baby walk across the stage," she explained.
"Were you the one calling my name?"
"Yes," she nodded.
"I don't get it. One moment you turn on me and then in the next you wanna be the perfect parent. Pick a side," I shook my head.
"I did what I thought was the best for you-
"You weren't thinking about that when you let my father off the hook," I snapped, feeing my anger starting to rise. "The jail time you took wasn't long enough in my opinion. You knew what he was. You knew what he was doing. Yet you call the cops on me for fighting, but not on him for being a pervert."
"I know you're angry and you deserve to be...but all I'm asking for is your forgiveness, Gi," my mother pleaded.
I only shook my head. "Well, you won't be getting that from me right now. I need time."
"Okay," she nodded, her eyes starting to water.
"C'mon," I muttered, pulling Tara away so that we could go back over to Caren.
"Nolina's on the way. She said fuck the rules. She still wanted to show up for her two best friends," Caren informed us, then noticing my expression, her sharp eyebrows softened for a moment. "What's wrong, babe?"
"My mother's here," I said tightly, wrapping my arms across my chest as Tara gently held the box for me.
"No wayyy. So she really did get out today?"
"Yeah," Tara answered, rubbing my back affectionately.
"I'm just ready to go. This day has already been more than it has needed to be," I admitted, holding my head up to stop the tears from rolling down my face.
"Did she say anything...what happened?" Caren asked lowly, talking to Tara.
"I just think it was too soon for Gi to see her. Especially with all the drama. Her mom knowing what type of person her father was. Her mom calling the cops on her. All that."
"Well, I'm here for you, Gi," Caren told me strongly.
"Gialla."
I turned around, chewing on my bottom lip. I had been doing that all morning; my nerves all worked up. My mother held a gift bag that I didn't notice earlier, a hopeful look in her eyes.
"I know you might not want to forgive me right now, or ever- but I want you to know that I'm proud of you and that you'll always be my baby girl. Here."
"What's in it?" I asked, carefully digging into the bag.
"James Avery," she told me.
Instead of excitement I felt dull amusement.
"Is this how much I'm worth to you? I'm confused," I said slowly.
"It's so you can remember this day," she told me.
"Trust me. I won't forget it," I said harshly, shoving the delicate necklace back into it's box and giving her the gift bag. "When I'm ready to talk to you...maybe I'll accept it," I softened up a bit, seeing how hurt she was.
I watched my mother walk away from me, her head hung low. In many ways, her protecting my father and not calling the cops felt like the equivalent to what he did. She still stood by. She was still a bystander. She was just as guilty as he was. Even if she did force them to split ways and she took custody over me- she still let him roam the streets of Houston. She still...she still didn't do enough of the right thing.
And I have the right to blame her. For as long as I want to. I don't have to forgive her- mother or not. At the end of the day, some wounds cannot be healed by time. And I'm willing to accept that, even if that robs me of a continued relationship with her for the rest of my life.
And still....I want to forgive her.
I want to believe that she's truly sorry and that she cares. But sometimes it's hard to see who's on your side when so many hurdles have been thrown at you. When you can't even see your own opponents amongst the chaos the game of life has thrown at you.
Everybody wants to be a winner...but I want the best strategy. The one that works for me. The one that will benefit me the most in the game. Sometimes cutting corners...or rather...forgiving easily, isn't the best choice for some.
As I watched my mother disappear into the crowd, I realized that the real bitch's were by my side right now. And I just might have cut a phony off.
I squeezed my eyes shut, the tears I had been holding in for so long finally falling.
"Aw, honey," Tara murmured, wrapping her arms around me. I cried. And I cried.
Someone passing by might have thought it was from gratitude for such a fragile moment in my life.
But I don't know what this is. This feeling.
It's a mixture of loss and...something more.
"I just wanna forget everything, Tara. All this shit," I said into her shoulder.
"I'm here. I'm here," she patted my back, sighing.
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