She

39| Alive

LILITH ALVAREZ

I think many believe that they are capable of murder. Many think it's something they could do and easily live on without too much thought put into it.

The ones who are unfortunate enough to come across a situation of those sorts, they'll understand the forever burden taunting your everyday life.

The ghosts of those who have passed under your hand haunt you till the day you die. I'm convinced they then drag you down to hell as punishment. I've come to terms with the fact that, with the sins weighing down my heart, it'll be enough to pull me down without much force.

I was born into hell, and with death, I will be brought right back down. I've come to terms with the fact that I won't touch the light of day after I die. Living an endless loop of all the wrong doings and the people i've robbed of life.

I think somewhere within me, the little girl lives. The girl who believed she'd become a butterfly and fly away into the far away lands of flowers, not a moth who scares everyone off at night. The little girl inside me wanted to be loved and cared for. She believed in fairytales. She believed in the innocence of the world. For a little while anyways.

There's something beautiful about the purity of youth. The one in a lifetime experience where you look at the world through rose-tinted glasses and hold hope. Sometimes i'd have dreams of a prince on a white horse coming and saving me from the castle. I always thought that was how it was supposed to be.
That's why I was going through all of this so that I could be saved and live a happy life.

I think that hope faded when I realised there was no prince on a white horse coming to save me. There was no happy ending. The only person I could depend on was myself. There was never going to be that someone who saves me and protects me. It was always me on my own. Once, I had thought my mother was my protector but it turns out she left me practically for death whilst she visited her son that she hid from her abusive husband.

Thinking of it filled me with anger. She knew exactly what I was going through. Endless pain, endless work. She left me. No matter what her excuses were, she left me. No matter if sometimes she came back and read me a book to soothe my fears for the night. No matter if she stood in the way of my father those few times. She left me.

She may have fled from his control with me by her side, but that doesn't make up for all the nights I shivered alone in my bed, praying that my father wouldn't come home, praying I wouldn't hear footsteps; praying that doorknob wouldn't twist.

I've had plenty of time to think over my last conversation with Kace and I've concluded that there's missing pieces in the puzzle. He says he's giving me the drug dosage to protect the public from me which makes no logical sense unless the drug is able to manipulate the human mind.

I realise that now i'm closer to the source more than ever. This is my chance to find out every single thing about this drug and exactly why my so called brother wants me to take it.

It makes me wonder just how much he knows. If he knows about the day at the house in the middle of nowhere with my father. If he knows about just how much mental strain I have went through because of my father.

I wonder if he knows who killed my father. Maybe it was him. My mother only ever spoke little of the idea that he was no concern of ours anymore. The idea of someone else getting the satisfaction of murdering him never sat right with me. I dreamed so many dreams of just how i'd get at him. Just how long i'd keep him suffering for. Till this day I can't think of something hurtful enough to match up to what he put me through.

I feel angry at the thought that maybe just maybe my so called brother, the same boy who was protected from the monster of a father we shared, the same boy that was always safe, had something to do with his disappearance.

"Is my father alive?" I put the question out there that both makes me intrigued and scared shitless.

He looks up from his desk, a curious look on his face.
He doesn't respond, returning to his computer as though nothing was asked. I swallow an awkward lump, "Did you murder him?" I then ask. He shoots me a confused glance before typing on his keyboard once more.

Anger bubbles up in my blood and I fight the urge to fling the computer off his desk. "Fucking answer me!!" I slam my hand onto his keyboard instead. His fingers grip around my wrist and he yanks me across the desk, "Calm the fuck down." He grits as I shove his arm away from me. "No! No. Don't fucking tell me to calm down. I ask you twice about something important to me. I'm highly certain you know something I don't and you aren't telling me. How the fuck do you expect me to stay fucking calm?!" I raise my voice and I can tell he's holding onto the last ounce of calm he has.

"Information will come with time sister. Do as you're told and you'll get everything you need to know." He states and I imagine ripping his hair out. "You fucking pig." I snarl and he only chuckles, fuelling my anger even more.

Now it's my turn to grab onto him, pulling him by his collar until i'm close up to his face. "Manipulate me and blackmail me all you want. But you'll never get what you want. I will always go against your word. No matter how long you wait, I will never stop till I get exactly the information I need from you. I won't take your stupid drug. I won't complete your stupid jobs. I'll kill anyone who gets in my way. Anyone." It takes him a second to process exactly how hard it'll be to control me. That's when he tells me something that makes my gut drop, "He's alive." 

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hey people🫣
it's been a while since i've posted. like a loooong while. but we won't talk ab it. we move along.

i think i've been putting this off because i have like 80 new book drafts due to the millions of ideas my brain generates

it's a short chapter i know, but appreciate what u get okay.

i've hit 11k on this book and it means so much to me. i started off writing this with little hope of getting anywhere given that my last book was a total flop. so i deleted that one and started this one. it's been a crazy journey with a lot of writing blocks and a whole lot of chapter changes. but i appreciate every one of you that sticks by me and reads what i have to offer. it was my dream to write a book that someone would recognise and enjoy. so i love you all and appreciate you.

my whole family boasts about my amount of reads on this book and i could never thank you enough.

thanks cutie patooties
love u all n ur support

more chapters coming,
- the girl with a shitty updating schedule