𝐿𝑜𝑣𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑅𝑒𝑐𝑘𝑙𝑒𝑠𝑠𝑙𝑦.

#11

-D.F

I've never felt like this before. My body has never felt this heavy. Here I was looking up at the white ceiling of my room in quiet. I had no energy to move on top of the pressure that weighed down my body. I started to count how many times my head pounded. It was an unbearable pattern.

I hadn't had a taste of alcohol since I was seventeen. Spear was just about to turn two years old and I was still figuring out the basics of being a parent. At seventeen. How fucked up is that?

Since the age of fourteen I had involved myself in some pretty fucked up shit, I hung around people who were no good for me and did things that were harmful to myself. I couldn't give a less fuck about what happened to me. It took me a couple of months for me to realize I could no longer drink while Spear was in my custody.

Spear did not ask to be here. He didn't ask to have such a fucked up family and he didn't ask to be raised by a teenager who was just as fucked up. It was then that I had made a promise to myself that I would not let a drop of alcohol touch my tongue. Not for me, but for Spear.

So much time had passed that I covered every inch of the ceiling with my eyes. I had been asking myself the same question all morning. A question I could not answer.

Why did I drink?

There were many thoughts that came along after this question. Thoughts I wouldn't let myself admit even if the world was ending. I couldn't admit that I was alone, I couldn't admit that when Dalia told me she accepted her parent's offer I felt like I couldn't breathe. And I certainly couldn't admit that I had an undeniable fear of abandonment. So to avoid the saddening truth I simply came to the conclusion that I merely did not know.

And because I didn't know, I couldn't get out of bed. Don't get me wrong, I hear how fucked up it is. It was all utter bullshit. Every sole thought in my messed-up mind sounded worse out loud. That is why thoughts are best kept inside. For the sake of one's sanity.

I couldn't remember all of what happened yesterday. Bits and pieces started coming back to me as time passed and each time I would find myself cringing at my actions. I knew who I was with, and I knew to an extent what happened. The conversations that took place were however lost in time. The memories of what was spoken were held by another and even if I was told, there was no proof of truth. So here I was, stuck. Having another issue added to the already crowded table.

My lungs felt as if someone was laying on them. I could breathe to an extent but it couldn't go as far that I could take a deep breath in. Laying down with the blanket on my chest it rose just the slightest as I took breathes of an insignificant amount of air.

I heard the creaking of my door but still, I was unable to move. I was completely aware of my surroundings and I was almost certain I knew who was walking into my peaceful space.

The bed slumped down to my right and Spear's compressed face came into view. All traces of worry were perfectly on display for me to see. Seeing this made me hate myself even more.

"Are you ok?" his small dainty hands were softly placed on the sides of my face. I could feel his thumb move along my cheek much like what I did whenever we held hands. Little wrinkles showed up on his chin as his lips wobbled.

I smiled so forcefully that I don't even think it looked believable. "I'm ok" I whispered so softly that I was unable to know if he heard it or not. As I watched his face go relaxed I felt an ounce of weight being lifted, sadly it didn't make much of a difference to my state of being.

"Are you sure?" his forehead touched my pounding one and I found myself closing my eyes. Finally, a long breath of air was released from my body and I got the energy to place my hand on top of his that lay on my face.