𝐿𝑜𝑣𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑅𝑒𝑐𝑘𝑙𝑒𝑠𝑠𝑙𝑦.

#5

-D.F

I've never been one to keep my mouth shut. I've always had an opinion on everything, and I usually shared that opinion. Of course, I knew when not to speak, in cases where I needed a job or for Spear's sake. I did everything for Spear's sake.

I was sixteen when my parents dropped off Spear. I had just come back from school to my parents randomly home after two years of abandonment. Imagine the surprise I got when they told me I had a new baby brother who was already one year old. I hated the name Spear, it wasn't a kid's name, it was not a name period. My parents didn't really care about my opinion though, shocker. They picked the name from a television show that was playing in their hospital room, saying they didn't care about him would have been much simple than leaving him with the name of Spear Fright, his life was set up for bullying.

I wasn't clueless about the idea of bullying, in fact, I was quite familiar with it. Having a face full of freckles and being freakishly skinny my whole life from the lack of food I had made me quite a big target for kids. Let's just say kids can be mean. Really mean. I've always had short Auburn hair, it was more on the red side which matched my pounds of freckles. I purposely cut my hair every now and then, I did not have the effort and time to continuously do my hair every morning, with short hair it barely ever got knotty and I could just wake up brush and leave, there isn't really any style I could do but pin it back, which is usually my go-to.

Here I was staring at myself in the mirror at three in the morning. I couldn't sleep at all, I had tried every single method in the book and still nothing. I counted at least two thousand sheep before I frustratedly got out of bed and ended up in the bathroom, staring at my naked body as the shower started to get hot, it usually took a while.

I ran my hands in my hair and attempted to give it more volume. Nothing. I was as plain as ever. Moving my head around I studied myself closer. I never really had time to give myself any form of attention, it was always -wake up, get Spear ready, take him to school, work, break, take Spear to Dalia's, go back to work, go home, get Spear, feed him and put him to sleep- usually after that i'd pass out in my room or even on the couch.

I stuck my hand into the shower and became welcomed with the warm water. Quickly I stepped inside so I did not waste any hot water, I made sure each time I took a shower that I was not using so much hot water, just enough to make the cold water warm. Just enough to save money and hot water.

I closed my eyes and basked in the water as it trailed down my water-deprived body. The warm water trailed from my hair to my shoulders soothingly. Snapping out of my state of peace I started to wash my body. I scrunched my face in disgust as I watched my skinny body. Shaking the thoughts from my brain I started to wash my hair which admittedly took the shortest amount of time.

I had kept the idea of a ten minute shower in my head everytime I washed myself, I knew I couldn't stay in longer than ten minutes, it'd be selfish to use all the hot water. Still having a few minutes left I sat down on the floor of the bath and let the shower head pound into my back. I closed my eyes and relaxed my body. It was times like these I enjoyed. Utter peace.

I have always been a night person. Lately from wearing myself off I always passed out but the idea of being up when everyone else was asleep was calming. It felt like I was the only one in the world, everything was so quite and calm. I was at peace. My worries felt as if they paused. I had no work, Spear was asleep, I didn't have to spend any of the money I did not have. The time between twelve AM and six AM brought me a joy nothing else could. It let me go into a state that was impossible during the day.

I stretched my neck by rolling it before getting up and turning off the shower. I stepped out and became welcomed by a cold breeze of air which formed goosebumps along my dotted skin. Quickly I wrapped a towel along my body and used another small one to dry my hair. Instinctively I started humming in the silence.

I smiled at the tune and reminisced on the memories that followed. My parents haven't always been horrible. There was a time where I adored them. They were my role models. Every night they would sing me a song to get me to fall asleep, and it worked every time. Of course, being so young I completely forgot the lyrics but the tune has remained lodged in my brain. I guess it wasn't such a bad thing, It was something good they left behind, one of the very few things.

My eyes became blurry as I started to zone out. My arms slowly froze in my hair and their faces -from what I could remember of them- showed up in my mind. Five years is a long time. Five years since they cut every single tie I've had with them off. With no explanation. The first couple of times that they left I at least had a number to call or an address. But since that night, nothing.

Snapping out of it I shook my head and left the bathroom. The house was pitch black and piercing quiet. My thoughts felt louder than ever. I could hear every breath I took and every step I made. Slowly I walked into my room not before checking Spear's sleeping body. I sighed at the sight of him before leaving.

I turned on the light to my room which allowed me to see every bit of my small plain room. I glanced at my bed which had one pillow and one blanket laying on it. It looked depressing. I took the towel off my body and dried myself once more before grabbing a set of clothes and putting them on, I had accepted the fact that I was not going to sleep tonight having checked the small clock on my bedside table. Four forty-five. I would be rising soon anyways.

I moisturized my face and pinned back my hair before walking into the living room. "Guess it's just me and you now" I said sitting on the couch and grabbing the remote to the television. I scrolled through the channels vastly "You'll do" I said stopping at a random movie. Not one minute in it changed to a commercial break. I sighed and laid my head back, onto the couch closing my eyes. I guess ill just rest them...

"Vee?...Davina? Davina wake up!" I gasped loudly and jumped as a yell invaded my ears. I looked around shocked until my eyes adjusted on Spear's worried face. I sighed and laid back realizing everythjng was ok.

"What time is it?" I asked him rubbing my eyes and yawning.

"Uhm, nine" the moment those words left his mouth my body shot up. While running to check the time I almost fell on my face.

"Fuck!" I yelled as I saw nine twenty on the stove. I ran to the fridge and threw a bunch of food together for Spears lunch. Well, this did not look appetizing at all. Spear watched from the doorway with a concerned face.

"Are you ok?" he asked confused.

"We are late, go get your shoes on we have to go" I said packing his bag. Because we had no car we were supposed to be out of the house by seven-thirty. We were extremely late. "spear go" I yelled at his still body. His eyes widened and he ran out of the kitchen. Fuck.

Grabbing his bad I followed him out. "Here" I said placing his backpack on. He looked down at his shoes refusing to make eye contact. I never yelled at him before, I never had to. I sighed and met him at eye level.

"I'm sorry for yelling, I was a bit stressed" I whispered pushing his hair back. He shrugged his shoulders and huffed. "Do you forgive me" I asked now poling his stomach and smiling. His lips twitched which caused my smile to grow. "I see that" I tickled him which caused him to break in laughter.

"Stop" he said trying to seem angry again.

"Let's go to school" I mumbled grabbing his hand and heading out. My smile dropped when I stood up and Spear looked away. I did not want him to see how stressed out I was. I couldn't let him see

We ended up two hours late to his school, I'm never late. I'm getting sloppy. This isn't good. He strutted him happily with out a worry on his face as I held all the worry in the world. I don't know for how long I can keep doing this. It was breaking me. I don't think I've ever felt more tired in my life, I was drained. There was not much left of me to give. I'm at my breaking point.