𝐿𝑜𝑣𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑅𝑒𝑐𝑘𝑙𝑒𝑠𝑠𝑙𝑦.

*40*

-E.R

I stare at the ceiling of my room listening to the city's noises to occupy my mind. For some reason, my eyes just don't shut, just like every previous night. I couldn't exactly narrow down the reason as to why I couldn't sleep, there were too many things that could be the cause. Nightmares are one of the side effects.

It seems crazy. Somebody so big and scary to everyone else is simply afraid of his own mind. I can't sleep. It was a constant battle. Some days my body refuses to physically feel tired whilst others I simply fear the thought of closing my eyes and basking in the past.

That's all I dream about.

I hadn't had a real touch of sleep until the other night when Davina slept over. I didn't understand it until she was touching me. Anytime she touches me my mind goes silent.

With everyone else my words are dull and my mind is overflowed. But with Davina, I feel at ease in every aspect. When we lay apart in silence I couldn't help but sink into a dark state of mind, just like every night. I was starting to think nothing could get me to sleep. Until her hands were on me and I could finally breathe.

I glance at the empty spot beside me on the bed and conclude myself.

Fuck do I hate being alone?

Though I was alone the majority of the time I had gotten quite used to the feeling. I've considered myself lonely since my mother died. She was the only person in the world who made me whole. It's wild what grief does to people. Though I was surrounded by large groups of family I still had a hole in my heart that only grew bigger and bigger.

I was never close with my father, he was in my life till he met his late wife; Essence's mother; and then he completely disappeared. I don't blame her in any way, she hadn't seen the parts about my father that I wish I could forget. I am not entirely positive that I saw him after that at all, but there could have been one or two more meetings since then. I was too young to remember.

I lost all contact with him the day I turned ten. The last form of communication I was ever going to get from him was a birthday card signed by his new family and a few hundred dollar bills. At the time, I thought it was the best gift ever. I didn't spend the money for a total of six months in hopes he'd give me something else I could hold onto.

He didn't.

The absence of my father didn't affect me as much as my mother being murdered did. That left some damage. I also didn't pride in the fact that somehow I had both daddy and mommy issues, worst of both worlds.

I breathe out all the air in my body before inhaling as much as my lungs could take. There was no in-between.

Looking at my clock on the side table I sigh when it's only 4 am. I hadn't got any sleep today, not even an hour's worth, which was the usual for me.

"Fucking hell" I get out of bed and walk to the bathroom just so I can French my face in cold water. I grip the counter of the sink and let the water drip from my chin. When I look at my reflection the dark bags under my eyes had gotten worse, I practically looked dead.

It takes me a while to conclude what to do, but eventually, I walk to my closet to switch my pants into gym shorts. I don't bother putting on a shirt as I knew it would come straight off when I started working out.

Before heading to the training room I fill up a water bottle in case of thirst. Right when I enter the space I go straight to the treadmill. I run till I can't breathe and sweat covers my body like an extra layer.

There's something so humbling about working out. Straight after running, I go to the punching bag to release some sort of pent-up fume inside of me. I punch, and punch, and punch, till my knuckles pain.