Not Over You Yet (Senior Years Series #1)

29

(This chapter will start with a little flashback.)

I saw his name on the list of people that had posted their stories and I already knew that I had to skip it dahil alam kong silang dalawa nanaman ang laman no'n. Every time I would open any app sila naman lagi ang bubungad sa akin at nakakairita na.

Nakakairita ang mukha mo Theo kung si Mel lang ang kasama mo.

Mariin kong pinikit ang aking mga mata nang mag-message sa akin si Riley ng picture kaya tinext ko siya at sinabing i-delete ang sinend niya. It just confirmed what I was suspecting.

If I can't move on from him then I'd have to get over him, I told myself for the third time this month, trying to get me to actually follow what I'm saying but knowing that I never will.

Kasi in a few days I'd be going over the messages from him that I've taken pictures of and will both cry and laugh at those moments.

In a few days, I'd go back to that gallery that my fingers refused to delete because even though those moments were over, they still felt sunny.

And in a few days I'd save his number on my phone again. His number was easy to find dahil hindi ko naman dinelete yung conversations namin. 

And then the cycle would repeat. 

I would convince myself to finally see him, and when I do, something will discourage me. 

When will this end? When will I move on to the next step?

The day I heard they were going to the same university was the day I lost a little bit of hope for the both of us. Ang pinanghawakan kong salita sa mga buwan na iyon ay ang sinabi niyang hihintayin niya ako.

So I tried to focus on something else; getting better.

Even if I wanted to, I didn't rush the healing I needed to do for myself. Kahit na gustong-gusto kong bumalik, I ended up just hoping that when I'm alright, he would still be there where I left him.

Tinatanong-tanong ko pa kung selfish ba ako eh alam ko naman sa sarili ko na totoo 'yon.

I thanked myself because I knew that I wasn't ready yet. If I forced myself back then, baka hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin ako masaya. Something felt missing, but I felt better. 

I went to therapy until the things that affected me before hurt me less. 

I took my time until I felt like forgiving myself. Until blaming myself lessened and until I started to comfort myself whenever I would break down.

"So, um. It happened again." Pag-kuwento ko sa kanya, and my therapist only pursed her lips, waiting for me to continue. I was hoping she was expecting something good.

Masaya akong pumunta ngayon sa clinic niya dahil piling ko ay maganda ang aking ginawa. Today, I hadn't blamed myself.. at first.

It wasn't that much of an improvement, but I was proud of myself because it was still an improvement. 

Siyempre mayroon pa ring mga araw kung kailan babalik ako sa dati, pero unti-unting nababawasan ang mga araw na yon.

The whole time I was getting help, I just thought of the first thing my therapist ever told me: "Well, progress is not linear." and it would bring me solace on bad days. 

"That's good!" She would say with a warm smile on her face whenever I would say I was doing better, and she'd say "It's okay." When there are days that I'm not and it would comfort me because she always say that with the same smile on good days.

Today, I don't know which of those two was my day, because today felt like a mixture of emotions. 

Theo clicked his tongue from beside me as I drank another glass of whisky. He's been looking at me with disapproval for a few minutes now pero wala akong pakielam.