you're all i want || jinkook ✔️

//32 - "Look at me"//

Jin gets ready for bed, choosing to unpack and organize the apartment tomorrow.

     He ended up staying out longer than he expected, he just thought they were having lunch. Taeyong suggested that they go to the mall and walk around afterwards to help with their digestion and Jin agreed. He didn't take Taeyong to be a big spender but they stopped by multiple stores before he called it good. He even bought him a few articles of clothing despite his refusal. He asked him why he insisted on doing so and Taeyong simply said that he likes to buy things for his friends. Knowing that, he felt like it would be rude of him if he didn't accept the gifts.

     He slides right into bed after turning off the lights, his room being illuminated only by the moon peeking through the sliding door. When he first toured the place, he was surprised to find that it had a small balcony. He instantly liked it since not only can he go out for fresh air but he can smoke without having to leave the building. Amused, he huffs, realizing how much he's changed since he first left his family home. But at his young age, he was forced to experience the horrors of the sad reality. He couldn't go on living ignorantly, now constantly being on guard. He was taken advantage of and abused by an authority figure who was supposed to help guide him and prepare for life. If he didn't have trust issues before, he definitely does now.

     He comes to, darkness enveloping all around him and consuming him. Immense fear bubbles inside him as he struggles to move his body, wanting to escape from wherever he's being held. However, his body feels heavy and as much as he tries to move even just an inch, it won't listen to him.

     "Hello?"

     He honestly isn't expecting a response but the sudden faint sound of shuffling from somewhere across the room puts him on high alert. He hears footsteps approaching him and he begins to hyperventilate, his panting breathes coming out shaky. He lets out a whimper when rough hands land on his bare legs, fingers teasing up and down his thighs and calves. He attempts to pull away but still, his body doesn't respond. He's stuck. He bites down on his lip as the offending hands snake the rest of the way up his thighs, groping them once before traveling up his chest, his nipples being assaulted by the calloused fingers.

"You're trembling," the man says with a laugh and although he's blindfolded, Jin can still envision their sadistic smile.

He starts to cry, wetting the material covering his eyes and he yelps when it's suddenly ripped off, his eyes still clenched shut. He feels something wet on his cheek and he grimaces, a disgusted groan leaving his lips as the man continues to lick his tears.

"I love it when you cry. You look more beautiful when you do."

Fortunately, he's able to move his head away this time. The man grips his chin and forces him to face him, his fingers threatening to leave bruises on his cheeks.

"Look at me."

Jin refuses, trying to pull away again and this angers the man.

"I said look at me," he demands louder, jerking his head back towards him. Apprehensive, he slowly opens his eyes, knowing he can no longer disobey him. A tear runs down the side of his face and the man leans forward, leaving a wet kiss on his reddening cheek. He trails down his neck, sucking and biting harshly on his skin and Jin stifles his sobs as the man resumes, his breath ghosting over his chest. His heart drops when the man climbs on the bed, looming over his smaller frame. With a grin, the man spreads his legs painfully wide, nestling himself in between his bruised thighs.

Jin wills his body to move, begging it to listen to his pleas and as if by some miracle, he finally gains control. He swings his leg up and kicks the man over the side of the bed, dropping and landing on the floor with a thud. He scrambles out of bed and wraps himself with the thin blanket, running out of the room. He can hear the man shout from behind him as he sprints down the hall, almost tripping down the stairs. Panting, he almost smiles when he exits the house. That is, until he feels a sharp sting in his leg, causing him to fall on the damp grass.

     "Fuck," he grits out and he turns over to examine his leg, his ankle throbbing as he has badly sprained it. He pushes himself to get back up, groaning out in pain as he puts pressure on it. He falls once more and he hits the ground with his fist. "Come on, you can do it."

     Shuddering, he looks up and his eyes widen, huffing in relief as he spots a familiar figure on the street.

     "Jungkook! Help me, please!"

     Jungkook ignores him however, only staring blankly at him. Still clinging the soiled sheet, his wobbly arms prop him up but his legs feel too weak to even try.

     "Jungkook!" He cries out, his face a mess.

     But he just leaves him there, watching as the man catches up and drags him back into the house.

     Jin jerks awake, his chest rising frantically and his face covered in sweat and tears. His lips quiver as he begins to cry even harder, covering his eyes with his hands as he sobs. How could he forget to take his meds? He's never actually missed a single dose. So why now?

     He throws his legs over the edge of the bed and hurries to the kitchen, shakily opening the medication bottle. He downs the pill, drinking from the water bottle he had left earlier. He finishes it and slams it down on the counter, the crinkle of the plastic being the only other sound accompanying his heavy breathing. He wipes his tears and snot with the sleeve of his shirt, sighing softly. He returns to bed not too long after and just lays there, staring up at the white ceiling as he waits for the medicine to kick in. His fingers drum anxiously on his stomach and a few minutes go by before he gets out of bed again, grabbing his cigarettes and the empty water bottle and going out onto the balcony.

     He leans on the railing, his arms resting on the cold metal, and he just watches as a few pedestrians walk by. It's not terribly late and it being the weekend, of course people are out having fun. He flicks the ash off the cherry of the cigarette, blowing the smoke up in the air. He's tired of having all these nightmares, he's tired of his anxiety, and he's tired of relying on substances.

He's tired of being tired.

But he goes on in hopes that he'll overcome all of this in the future. He doesn't want to struggle anymore and he certainly doesn't want to continue being weak.

Everyday, he puts up a front so he can be left alone but when he's by himself, he sheds off that mask. Personally, he finds it embarrassing being vulnerable and so exposed to others that he refuses to let that happen, not anymore. He commends the people who are strong enough to do so, but he doesn't think he can do it. That's why therapy and the SA meetings are so difficult for him. Sure, he's made some progress in coming forward about his trauma to his therapist but he still has a long way to go for the latter. He knows he has to try harder because how else is he going to get better.

He finishes his third and last cigarette and sticks it into the bottle, dragging his feet back inside. Thankfully, his eyes feel heavy so once he's tucked himself back under the covers, he falls back to sleep, now being too exhausted to dream anymore.