My Only Sunshine

Chapter 30

At home, I sat with Abel in my arms as I pondered what I was going to do with the marks that were left. I couldn't hide them from Jax. I looked down at Abel and he looked so peaceful. I began to silently cry. 

"I'm so sorry Abel. I would never want to see you get hurt." I said softly. 

"What's going on?" Jax asked. I never even heard him come in.

"Just going through a lot of shit. Feels like my head isn't on straight." Half a lie, I suppose. 

"It's more than that. Donna wouldn't wouldn't be upset over that. She said something happened and you wouldn't tell her. You guys tell each other everything, I'm sure she knows my dick size, so what's going on?" He questioned me. 

"Jax, I can't." I wanted to spill my guts, but I couldn't get the words out. 

"Hadley, you can. What are you hiding from me? You can barely look at me. And the makeup on your neck is coming off. Did you cheat on me?" His voice changed to hurt. 

"No, I could never do that Jax. I love you more than anything except for maybe Abel. I just can't." Those were the only words I could form. 

"You just can't what? Tell me the truth?" I stood up and walked to Abel's nursery and set him in his crib. 

"Jax, please believe me, I want to tell you. I really do. I just can't." I felt the tears well in my eyes. 

"So you did cheat on me and just can't say it." He ran his hand down his face. 

"Please don't do this. I promise I didn't." The tears rolled down my face. 

"What am I supposed to think?" Jax questioned as he sat on the arm of the couch. 

"That I didn't cheat because I could never. That I want to spend the rest of my fucked up life with you because I do. Right now, my head is just fucked and I need you." I begged him.

"Look, maybe you should just spend the night at your apartment." Jax sighed. 

"Please don't leave me right now." I felt my voice crack and I felt smaller then I ever have in a while. 

"I have to do what I think is right." I felt my heart shatter. I looked down and covered my mouth with my hand. 

"I'm just going to get a few things." I walked to his bedroom and I grabbed my bag and filled it with some clothes. I grabbed my toiletries from the bathroom and walked down the hall. I put my toiletries in my bag and slung that over my back so I could take my motorcycle. 

"Hadley, I do love you." I looked up at him. 

"No, you didn't. It's okay. I won't fall for this again." I left his place, realizing I never should have let the biker get my heart. Now he had it. 

When I got to my crumby apartment, I broke down. I cried until exhaustion. I laid down and passed out. I woke up hoping it was a dream. I realized it wasn't. I was alone again, I should have known it was too good to be true. 

I had decided to go to the club house to get my things behind the bar. I got dressed in a pair of jeans and a Motionless In White shirt. I slipped on my vans and put my messy hair up in a pony tail before I got on my bike. The drive was freeing. 

When I got there, all of the bikes were parked in their usual spots. I walked into the clubhouse and pretty much everyone was there. Great. "Hadley! Hey!" Juice smiled and waved. I guess Jax hasn't told them. 

"I'm just here to grab some stuff. Don't let me bother you." I saw Jax look at me and I know he saw the bruises. Which I never even thought to cover up. 

"You and Jax get a little wild?" Tig winked. 

"No. We're done." I felt like my whole being was being ripped in half. 

"What?" Opie questioned. 

"Look, I don't need any of this shit right now." I stated. 

"You still have the club, Hadley." Chibs said. I shrugged. "I'm good. I'll figure it out. I always do."

In a matter of 24 hours, I lost everything and everyone I loved. I was going to do what I told David I was going to do. I was done. My life was over. 

"Wait, if you and Jax didn't... where did you get the bruises?" Opie questioned. 

"It doesn't matter. It's done. I'm done." With that, I grabbed my things and turned, walking out of the clubhouse. 

"Hadley, wait!" Half-Sack called. 

"No." I got on my bike and started it, peeling off the lot. I got back to my apartment and sat on my couch. I was picking my brain trying to remember back to before Jax. I was miserable then and I'll be miserable now.

When I got back to my crumby apartment, I got a call from Donna which I ignored. I sat on my couch watching tv for hours. I felt so lost and numb.

As days passed, I wasn't eating or sleeping which made things worse. I was going to get some groceries but I was afraid of running into any of the club. But I knew I had to. So I got up and showered. I got dressed but left makeup off to try and hide my identity in a way.

When I walked into the grocery store, I noticed Donna, Opie, and Jax right away. I slumped as I walked. Those were all the people that could recognize me without makeup.

"Hadley! I've been trying to call you!" Donna noticed me pretty much right away.

"Look, I got your calls. I need some space. From you and the club." I know that hurt Donna.

"I get it, but you can't just walk out of Kenny and Ellie's life! You're important to them." I completely forgot. I nodded.

"Yeah, I'll come by the clubhouse to see the kids after school tomorrow." I sighed. It was the last place I wanted to be but I was doing it for the kids.

"Have you gained weight?" Opie asked, not judging, but sounded genuinely curious.

"No, I haven't been eating." I said, nonchalantly. Before I got the chance to walk away, a smack went upside my head.

"Ouch!" I exclaimed at Donna.

"I will come over and force feed you." Donna scolded me. Something in me just snapped.

"Don't act like you care." I quipped.

"Don't do that to Donna." Jax sighed.

"You all fucking left me when I needed you. You're just like everyone else so all of you can go fuck yourselves! Just leave me alone!" I wanted to bawl my eyes out. But I didn't. I walked away from the people I love most.

When I got into my apartment, I felt myself falling apart. I cried until I couldn't anymore.