My Only Sunshine

Chapter 45

I sat at the table with Abel in his high chair. I stared at the wall as he ate his breakfast. I heard Jax walk into the room but I didn't acknowledge him. Happy, Chibs, Opie, and Donna had stayed the night but I could barely talk to anyone. "Hadley, do you want some coffee?" Happy asked as he came into the room. 

I couldn't bring myself to answer him. "Hadley." I heard Donna say from another room. I felt myself coming apart again and I felt tears seeping down my cheeks. I didn't want the tears to fall but I couldn't stop it. 

"Can everyone please stop pretending like today is fucking normal? Cameron almost blew my fucking brains onto the sidewalk yesterday. He stabbed Kip because Kip stepped in front of me to protect me. Half-Sack is dead because of me. I need some fucking time to process all of this. So, no, I don't want fucking coffee. I don't even feel like I fucking deserve to be alive." I told them. I stood up but Opie stopped me. 

"Half-Sack died doing what he would have wanted. He protected you Hadley. It's noble." Happy explained. 

"He died a hero." Donna said softly.

"He's my hero. But I didn't want him to be. I want him alive." I cried. Chibs threw his arms around me and it felt nice it that moment to feel like I had a father and brothers. 

"I wish it didn't happen the way it did too." Chibs muttered. 

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"Kip's wake is today," Pretty much everyone stayed a couple of nights, with Gemma on the run, they felt as if Jax and I needed all the support we could get. I stared at my food and even though I felt like I could vomit, I tried my best to eat the bacon and eggs on my plate. I stood up and walked over to the sink. My hands rested on each side as I remembered Kip. 

"Did he have any family?" I questioned with sadness in my tone. 

"No, Half-Sack told us that his family disowned him when he started prospecting for the club." Happy stated. 

"We were his family." Opie stated, a solemn look on his face. I looked out the window and I knew that he would have wanted to go that way, I mean anyone in the club would have preferred that alternative, but I couldn't forgive myself for not being able to save him. 

"I know any one of you would have done the exact same thing but how do I forgive myself for letting it happen?" I questioned softly with tears welling in my eyes. 

"You didn't let it happen." Jax stated sternly. 

"You are pregnant and that instinct comes first. It would be any of our instincts to protect you over anyone because you are pregnant. It's why Kip stepped in the way. He was protecting a mother over himself." Donna chimed in. 

I couldn't really argue with that logic even though I wanted to. I was grateful to Kip for saving my life, I only wish he didn't lose his in the process. "We have to be there by 7." Jax stated as I felt his eyes on me. 

I turned around and nodded. I was feeling weak and vulnerable in that moment. I needed to build my walls again. I needed to be strong for the club. They also lost a brother. I was lost in my grief and I didn't even put myself in their shoes. They lost him too. I stepped towards Jax and pulled him into a hug. 

"I'm sorry." I whispered. 

"It's alright darlin', it's not your fault." He said back as he breathed me in. 

"I've been so lost in my own shit that I completely forgot that you guys lost him too." I tightened my grip on him. 

"You got nothing to be sorry about." Happy shrugged as he stayed stone faced. The way he was only soft for me around certain people put a smile on my face. 

"What?? Is my girl smiling?" Chibs teased. 

"Happy is a fucking teddy bear and it makes me happy. Fuck off." I rolled my eyes. 

"Little girl, I am not a teddy bear." Happy glared. 

"Yes you are." I teased him. "No, I'm not." He argued. 

"Teddy bear!" I jokingly sung at him. 

"Just don't fucking tell anyone." He rolled his eyes. 

"I would never. I need a stoic looking fucker as a body guard." I began laughing and I almost stopped myself. 

"Damn, I missed that sound." Jax smiled as he kissed my temple. I looked up at him and kissed him. At that point, I heard the click of a camera, and I saw Donna with her phone as I pulled away from Jax. She smirked at me and I shook my head at her antics. 

After that, the club left to go handle a few things before Kip's wake. That left Donna and I at the house until we had to get ready. I took it easy and just watched a few movies as I tried to keep my mind off everything going wrong in my life. 

Jax and Opie came to get us before the wake and I was dressed in black pants and I black button down shirt with black booties. My hair was left down but it was brushed. I got on the back of Jax's bike and Donna got on with Opie and it wasn't long before we made it to the funeral home. As we pulled up, there was so many bikes and people there for his wake and it gave me hope. I got off as he shut off his bike and we walked inside. 

As we got closer to the casket, I felt my sadness grow. I had to be strong here. I knelt beside his casket and silently thanked him. I kissed his casket and I stood up. He was a good kid. It was tragic but heroic the way he died. Everyone said their goodbyes and we were outside when all hell broke loose again. I really didn't think it could get any worse but there it was. I wasn't next to Jax when the van rolled by. The door opened and I screamed, "EVERYONE GET DOWN!" There was a boy standing with his mom and I took them both down as I went down. The gun shots began and I used my body as a human shield for this boy as I held both him and his mom down.  

I stood up as the police started shooting at the van. The shooter was shot and they pushed him out of the van. They were headed in the direction of David. He was shooting but he didn't move. I ran for him and I heard someone call my name but I couldn't stop. I had to save him. 

"HADLEY!" Donna cried. My legs burned as I bolted to save someone I thought I hated. 

Right before the van hit him, I knocked both him and myself over and out of the way. I fell on top of David but rolled off as we hit the ground.

I laid there breathing heavily. I got up off the ground and I watched as Chucky held his shot arm. I saw the cops circling the shooter. Jax jumped off the ledge and ran. I thought he was going to kill the shooter but he bolted towards me.

"Hadley! Are you insane? You could have gotten yourself killed trying to save me!" David yelled at me. Jax stepped towards me and pulled me into him. 

"You're crazy but I get it." He whispered. In that specific moment, I found another reason why I fell for him. He understood when no one else did. 

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A/N: Hello to everyone reading My Only Sunshine. From here on out, things will be different then the show. Small things may be mentioned, but since they don't go to Belfast, things will be completely different. Jax never learns about Trinity and the letters never show up (most importantly) so things are going to turn in a very different direction. The Clay/Jax father son dynamic is going to change drastically. 

I also wanted to thank each and every one of you that has voted, read, and commented on this book. I realize some of it is extremely dramatic but, I write what I think in that moment for the most part. There are some things I think about before I write but it's mostly done on the spot. But, I am eternally grateful for those of you sticking by even though publishing is extremely unreliable. I work with a vulnerable population and it takes a lot out of me. So lately I'm more likely to be not in the mood to write which also sucks. 

Either way, thank you all for every ounce of love you have showed each book. Again, I am eternally grateful and will never be able to thank you enough for everything you guys have done.