Like a cockroach, Always Survives

100. Elijah Mikaelson | Solitude

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prompt
↪ You had isolated yourself from the wrold, he was the only one who could save you from your thoughts, save you from yourself even when you didn't want him to. Although you didn't know why he cared to save you, you didn't question it. You needed someone like him.

"i feel, empty? alone?"

warnings / other notes
↪ sucidical thoughts
↪ sad
↪ swearing
↪ mentally draining thoughts i suppose

My room was dark, cold and alone. Endless opportunities to end it, hanging off the big chandelier in my room, smashing my head into the wall until I couldn't feel anything, maybe even suffocating myself under my blanket.

The cutlery from last weeks dinner remained on my nightstand, clean yet broken from the aggressive knife, fork and spoon throwing. My room was dark so I couldn't see the mess, so I couldn't see my mental state in a room.

I had been isolating from the world for weeks, the ability to feel alone in a crowd full of people had struck an all time high and I couldn't take it anymore.

Death seemed like the only plausible way out of this miserable hell, but then again, I would die and still be in a hell where I am well and truly alone.

Every hour, a knock at my door would cause me to run and hide. The state of my room appalling compared to my reputation in the outer community. I cared too much.

They knocking at the door would be a Mikaelson sibling checking in on me, in the morning it would be Rebekah and Klaus, in the afternoon it would be Kol and Freya, everyone except the older brother.

The name of enough people to keep me happy yet the name of enough people to still make me feel alone, did that even make sense.

The shards of glass from the broken wine glass all pushed to the corner of my room, I couldn't quite see my room but I knew it like the back of my hand, no mess would change that.

My alarm clock goes off, it was now 7am. I had been up for most of the night in hopes to build up the courage to do something to myself, to be able to feel something other than loneliness but like the past few weeks, I failed.

"fucking shit" I mumble tripping over the loose blanket on the floor, so maybe I didn't know my room like the back of my hand. A loud thud when I hit the floor as my door swings open revealing the bright sunny day.

Looking up to reveal older brother standing over me "Elijah" I squint, my sight hadn't exactly seen light for weeks, given the closed blinds and everything.

"the first time i've seen you in..." I pause waiting for him to answer my unfinished sentence, instead he grabs my hands gently helping me up as I straighten my shirt "5 weeks" he pauses and I nod laughing lightly.

As he turns to walk out I open my mouth to say something, Elijah had confided in me multiple times about his relationship with his siblings, how sometimes he felt unneeded but then he always came back.

I never did that, I never confided in him because I was unsure of saying something I didn't mean to say. So I didn't talk, I just listened.

Yet as he walked out, my emotions didn't change. I still felt alone, even with the only person who I had trusted, cared for, I felt alone.

"Niklaus had asked me, Why don't you ever knock on y/n's door?" he spun around abruptly "I thought about it for a moment, and although I never answered him, I knew what I would have said if it had been you that had asked me." he turned his head to face me.

This was all random, I hadn't asked for him to speak. Yet he did.

"I never knocked because what would be the point if I couldn't come in to see you, what would be the point to knock on the door of somebody who doesn't want to be seen." he paused.

"So if I distanced myself from your door, I wouldn't be tempted to break it down as I just did, to check on you." he narrowed his eyes swivelling his hips to face me.

"because I know that even though you're in here alone with every opportunity out of this life, you won't take it. You know that if you leave this lonely life, you'll leave to go to another lonely life" he says, his voice getting quieter.

"that's why I don't check up on you" he says before turning to my door taking a few steps as he grasps on the door handle.

"i feel, empty?" I finally speak, confused at the words that just came out of my mouth. He stops, hand still on the door "alone?" I pause, this would be the first time I confessed anything to him besides my love

"i could be in a room full of loud, full of life people and I'd still feel alone." I scratch the back of my neck "All the knocks on the door don't make me feel less lonely, it just makes me feel like i'm in a mental ward and people are checking as if i haven't died." he turns his body halfway, his head turning to face me.

"i thought, being in here i'd be able to feel cold, warm maybe even like i needed to see the light. I still felt alone." I say, tears building up in my eyes.

"Even with Kol, dragging me along to parties. I feel lonely, you standing in front of me and this feeling won't go away, it won't go away when i'm with the person i love most in this world so what's the point." A tear finally falls.

Elijah looks down, his tongue gliding across the inside of his cheek.

"and even though this, feeling, it won't subside, I don't know why people still try and help me. Why they care? If I can barely feel their presence." My head tilts, the words that were coming out of my mouth barely made sense.

Somehow, the 1000 year old in front of me was able to nod and understand my words. As if he had experienced this feeling of loneliness.

"Because sometimes you are the only person able to make us feel like we aren't alone, even when you feel like you are." he says quietly "This solitude, doesn't make anything better, y/n" he says taking a step closer to me.

"well it certainly does for me, doesn't make me feel bad for being with you and still being sad." I reason with him "I'd prefer you here with me, rather than being in your room, actually alone." he says placing a hand on my cheek.

"i just don't want to crowd your family with my dreary blues." I mumble rubbing my face into his hand, this was the first human contact I had felt in weeks and it felt different to its usual feeling.

"my family has its days, nobody has seen it like you." he smiles sweetly to me, he grabs my hand kissing it "i'll love you till forever falls apart lijah, you know that right?" I whisper.

Although he and I weren't officially a thing due to Klaus and his whole distraction thing, Elijah and I were a secret. He wasn't scared of telling Klaus, it was my fault that he has to sneak into my room at night to hold me.

"but what you truly need" he says removing his hand from my face "is to love yourself." he whispers "i don't need your love to be reciprocated, i'm content if you need time to figure it all out." he says endearingly.

I smiled at him, my heart felt warm. Whenever I was around Elijah I seemed to forget most things, the fact I was a vampire, the fact I had no one and the fact I was with everyone but felt like I was with no one.

If I were honest, Elijah was the only person to make me not feel alone. Despite my attempts to savour the feeling of being alone in his presence it always failed.

I don't know why I tried to 'savour' the feeling of being alone in his presence, maybe it just was the fact that when he left I felt more alone than before he visited.

"I don't need to figure it out." I whisper, his eyes admiring me despite my depressed state.

"I genuinely thought the only emotion this whole vampire thing would bring out would be the whole anxiety thing, I suppose its more of a mental illness." I say looking down.

"does this mean I will see you more around the house?" he asks "no more solitude?" he continues and I nod gently biting my lip "no more solitude" I whisper and he smiles before kissing my head.

The feeling of his lips remaining on my head even after he removes them "i love you" I smile "I love you" he responds.