Dive

Fifty-one

I curl up on the new couch. The blanket wrapped around me is one of mine that I repurchased a few years ago. It's large and warm, and yet I shiver slightly, trying to make sure that only my face is outside of the little cocoon.

I've got some show on the TV, but I can't focus on it. I'm tired.

That shouldn't come as any surprise. I'm always tired these days. It's a known side effect of radiation, and it came pretty much immediately after we started treatment. But for the past couple of days, it's been worse. I can barely get out of bed, and Jayden often has to wake me when he comes back after morning practice.

Marlene calls it extreme fatigue and says it's very normal at this point in my treatment.

I've been going to the hospital five days a week, for the past two weeks. I get radiation therapy for thirty minutes while Jayden waits in the waiting room.

I tried to talk him out of it. Convince him that I could Uber, or Jen could take me some days or something since he has so much on his plate, getting ready for nationals in a month and a half, and the hospital is an hour each way.

But he insists. He's arranging his training schedule around my treatment times. It's a good thing he's officially dropped out of college, so he doesn't have that workload too.

He seems happy, though, having gone pro. Benjamin Avery wasn't lying. The brands have flocked to him, wanting to sponsor him for nationals, and it's so great to see him succeed.

But he worries. I can see it whenever I fall asleep in the car when we drive home from Detroit. Or when I wince as I get up from the couch. Or when I wake up in the middle of the night with intense nausea.

Some days I feel so heavy that I barely make it out of bed. At times, it feels like I'm seeing this whole thing from the outside, watching the cancer fight tooth and nail for its survival, even if that is at the expense of mine.

Other times I want to hide away in the farthest corner of my being as my brain and body rage war on me.

I feared the treatment because of what it did to my psyche last time. And while it's been hard, it's not nearly as bad as it was three years ago.

I'm still seeing doctor Mallory, and she's helped me realize just how badly I crashed back then. I've dreaded the possibility of being sucked into another depression since the last one took me years to overcome.

But things are different this time. I didn't lose anything. I haven't had to completely reevaluate my life.

And more importantly, this time I want to live.

I want this life with Jayden, with Ollie. I want to watch Jen get her happily ever after, and I want to experience everything life has to offer.

That makes a world of difference.