History - Bucky Barnes

Loss

~ Vivian
I can't bring myself to leave my tent. I've been in here since they left. I'm not exactly sure how long it's been.

Peggy's come to check up on me a couple of times. I haven't said much. My head feels like a mess of anxiety and sadness. It's too much to even make sense of.

I'm laying on my cot when someone approaches my tent and begins to open it.

"Peggy I'm not hungry I already to-"

The flap opens and I see Steve standing there.

"Steve" i say and he doesn't respond. His eyes are red like he's been crying and he looks drained.
I can't bring myself to say anything. I feel my heart plummet down. I stop breathing. My eyes start watering.

"Steve please, please don't say what I think you are" he starts to cry. "I'm so sorry, Vi"

No. No. No. I starting sobbing. I can't even think let alone breathe. He's gone. He's really gone this time. My Bucky. He's gone.

Steve pulls me into his arms and we cry for what feels like forever.

I finally snap out of it. "He could still be alive I mean, steve come on this is Bucky we're talking about he" "vi" steve says but I continue. "He won't go down without a fight, did you check him did you" Steve talks again "Vivian"
"No! No! He can't be dead he can't be!" I'm yelling at this point i put my arms up pushing on Steve's shoulders "he promised he promised me" I can't tell if I'm sobbing or screaming anymore.

"Vivian!" Steves yells over me grabbing my hands and pulling them away from him. "He's gone, he is gone, no one could survive the fall he took" i stare at him with zero expression. He stares back holding my hands firmly.

"But he promised" steve sighs "it's like you said, Vi. He made a promise he couldn't keep." Steve walks out leaving me alone, crying. At some point after hours of switching between hyperventilating, crying, staring off completely numb, i fall asleep.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I haven't ate, I've been forcing myself to sleep, if I'm sleeping I can't feel anything, right? Wrong. I dream of him. Every. Single. Time. I close my eyes I see his face.

Steve's planning on going back again. I only know this because he comes in to talk to me every so often even though I never respond. Peggy too, sometimes she lays next to me and keeps me company.

I hear someone enter my tent but I don't bother to look up and see who.

"I'm leaving in the morning." I hear Steve's voice.

"I will get justice." For the first time since it happened i finally speak. "Justice or revenge" i say. My voice is weak from lack of use and crying.

"Viv-" i interrupt him. "No steve you know as well as I do if you go back and you aren't in the right headspace things could go wrong very fast" i turn around and he stays looking at the ground.

"I can't lose both of you" i say softly feeling myself getting choked up.

"You won't" he says. Before walking out.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

That was the last conversation I had with Steve. If I had known it would be the last I would've said more. I would've told him I loved him, I would've told him to be careful, I would've fought for him to stay knowing he wouldn't.

Once again I'm left there frozen. It's funny isn't it, I've spent most of my life in a blur. Always feeling lost. I always had Steve or Bucky to pull me out but not anymore. They're both gone. Everything that made me, me. I'm left alone.

It's been a few hours since Peggy told me about Steve. I couldn't tell you the day or the time. Judging by the lack of light outside I assume it's around 2-3am.

I refuse to believe I've lost them both. I can't. I won't.

Steve could've very well have survived the crash. He's a super soldier, I mean he can't get drunk for god sakes. They'll all think I'm crazy or delusional, In denial. I have to do this on my own.

I pack a bag, lots of warm clothes and food. I sneak into the supply tent and grab a warm jacket.

I walk over to the tent of the one person who's crazy enough to help me. I can't involve Peggy she's been through enough.

Turning on my flashlight and swinging open the tent door I hear
"Jesus can you turn that off I'm trying to sleep here" Howard says.
"Oh good you're awake" i say walking in turning off my flash light.

"Vivian what the hell are you doing" he says sitting up. "I need your help" he looks at me intrigued like I'm an invention that's not working properly.

"Okay I'll bite. With what" I take a deep breath and say

"I think Steve might still be alive"
"What!"

~