Heart Puzzle [BinSung] (completed)

Part 12.2

Hyunjin left faster than ever, leaving them both alone in the quiet dorm. There was no escape now, was there?

"Did you sleep well?" Changbin asked.

Jisung nodded. He feared what would come after the small talk, preventing him to reply properly.

"That's good."

Again, silence took over and Jisung also squirmed at how heavy it was.

"Do we have the appointment with the arranger?" He randomly asked to cut the tension and delay the topic he feared so much.

"Chan hyung went there a while ago."

"Already?" Jisung frowned. "He went without us?"

"Yeah, he changed the schedule and told me - I quote: "No worry, I'll take care of it, you guys solve your thing." - end quote."

"What is that supposed to mean? I've heard enough cryptic words from Hyunjin earlier."

"Well, I think he just knows. You know... About us... like everyone else, probably."

Of course, Jisung knew he was obvious. Though, it didn't help to receive the confirmation that everyone was aware of his pining.

Changbin hesitated on how to lead to the main topic. He glanced around, maybe looking for moral support to start the heavy topic.

"I can't run away from this forever, right? Changbin started, talking to himself more than anything. "Jisung... first of all, I'm sorry," he continued softly, but it felt like a punch aiming at Jisung's heart. An apology wasn't really the best start for this whole talk.

The youngest still. Why were words so hard to say suddenly? Why did he feel them blocking his throat?

"It's okay, I understand. I..." he stammered.

"No, no, no!" Changbin interrupted him right away. "Wait, this isn't what you think, whatever's going on in your pretty head is wrong. Listen, I'm not apologising for...this isn't what you think." He paused to take a deep breath, making sure Jisung was properly listening.

"What I mean is I'm sorry for yesterday. For... giving in to my... hormones, he winced. I shouldn't have done that. It wasn't fair to you and Wooyoung. I wanted to, wanted you more than you believe, but I'm older than you and I should know better... that's no reason to sleep with you when I'm still officially in a relationship with someone else."

"I understand," Jisung croaked, emotions too overwhelming to proceed.

Changbin stroke his hair softly to appease him, as he so often did whenever Jisung got lost in the wrong headspace.

"You're good baby, this is really on me. You did nothing wrong," he reassured.

Went this far, might as well be completely honest, right?"

"I've always been aware of the way you looked at me," Changbin continued without waiting for an answer, to Jisung's horror. "I mean... It's hard to not notice the way you stare when we're working out. So I knew you had a thing for me, at least physically. I was tempted to go for it for a while and it started to make me question myself a lot. I wasn't sure if I really... you know... was into men or if it was just me being touched deprived with a twisted mix of curiosity. And you know I care for you more than anyone. I didn't want to make you think we could have sex only to chicken cowardly at the idea of going further with a man. You're too important for that. You deserve better."

Jisung took a minute to process the last words fading in the room's silence. His eyes widened with realisation.

"You mean you saw me thirsting and started questioning your sexuality??" Jisung almost screamed in horror. "Oh my god, that's... awful. Hyung, I'm sorry you felt pressured by me. You shouldn't have... you didn't have to pay so much attention to my stupid feelings."

"Jisung, No, you're wrong. Your feelings aren't stupid and I didn't feel pressured. Again, it's on me. I never thought about it, true, but mostly because until now only girls were interested in me and I never imagined it could be different. But then... I started to feel things I never experienced before and it made me curious, I want to...try, but I didn't want to take advantage of you, let you down or mislead you in any way."

"Mislead me? You mean... Oh no, I..." Jisung choked on his words and paled as regrets hit him.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't... I've never... Don't mind my feelings."

"That's not on you. I didn't know where I stood, didn't even know if you wanted anything but sex with me. Heck, I didn't know if I wanted to. I wasn't... ready to face it fully either. I have known for a long time that my feelings for you were not normal. But I've never thought much about my sexuality before and I didn't have many friends as close as we became, so I thought that maybe, just maybe, it was normal when you share a such bond with someone. Maybe that was also what your stares were. I didn't even think about how different it was with you from the other members. I wasn't even attracted to men most of the time. I'm not blind, I appreciate the view, but I wasn't, you know... aroused."

"Then, Wooyoung and Yeonjun gave me a full course on how sexuality and attraction were a full spectrum and I shouldn't try to put into simple boxes things that are not made too simple but just reflect on what I felt."