Serotonin

Entry 3

Tanging malakas na ulan lamang ang naririnig ko sa paligid ko. Hindi na dapat ako makinig ng mga podcasts ng mga thunderstorms dahil nangyayari na ito ngayon. Napaka peaceful. If only you were here. If only I were there.

"Bakit hindi ka na nagbo-boyfriend?" Tanong ng nasa gilid ko. Pangbabasag ng katahimikan ko.

I just stared at him blankly. Because I don't want to. I badly want to answer but I just drank my beer.

"Wag mo nang kulitin yang pinsan ko. Hindi ka papatulan nyan." My cousin said.

"Alam mo crush kita dati. Highschool ka ata noon. Hindi lang kita pinormahan dahil dito kay Vin. Pinagbawalan ako ng pinsan mo." Ulit pa ng nasa gilid ko.

Hindi ako kumibo. I just smirked like I used to do. Wala naman ako isasagot sa sinabi nya. I don't even know what to say.

"Aren't you older than us?" Tanong ng nasa unahan ko.

"He's way older than us." Bulong ko. Agad sila nagtawanan dahil sa sinabi ko. I was just stating a fact.

"I'm not that old. Grabe. Ang ganda mo kasi kaya naging crush kita. Sabi naman nitong pinsan mo hindi daw pwede kaya hindi na ako pumorma."

"Tataluhin mo pa tong pinsan ko saka hindi ka magugustuhan nyan. Hindi ka nyan type." Vin said.

"Ano bang type mo?" Tanong ulit ng nasa gilid ko. "Someone older? Someone younger?"

"Someone who will understand me." I answered. Like someone I know. I wanted to add but I just sipped my beer one more time.

"Lalim mo naman." Iiling iling nya kumento.

"I heard you're having your therapies again?" Vin asked me. I just nodded. I've been seeing a therapist again. Just to clear my mind. For my mom's peace of mind.

"Yeah." I answered dismissively. I don't wanna go into details about it.

Naguguluhan akong tiningnan ng nasa gilid ko. Etong makulit na ito. Bakit pa ba kasi ako sumama sa mga ito?

"What therapy? Like physical therapy?" He asked me. I didn't answer him. I don't have to explain myself to strangers.

"Hindi. Bobo ka talaga. Tipong psychological therapy ganon. Hindi ko rin masyadong gets pero madalas sa ganyan usap-usap lang sila about sa mga naiisip at nararamdaman." Vin explained as much as he can. Then he turned to me. "Hindi ba ganon yon?"

"Yeah. Like opening up to someone." I answered honestly.

"So, What kind of crazy are you?" Nalilito pa ring tanong ng nasa gilid ko. "Kaya rin siguro walang nagtatagal sayo kasi you're crazy?" Deretso nyang tanong.

I was too stunned to speak. Walang nagtatagal sa akin dahil baliw ako? Gusto kong matawa.

"The kind you wouldn't understand because you're fucking dumb." Vin said to that guy. Tiningnan ako ni Vin, weighing my moods. I just smiled.

"Well maybe, I am. I almost killed my last boyfriend. So I guess, yeah." I said without pausing.

"She's not crazy, bro. She just needs some help." The guy in front of me said seriously. "My sister had those therapies too. Nag struggle sya dati sa depression and we wanted to help her but it was too late." Dugtong nya pa. He's just staring at his beer bottle.

Parang bumigat yung pakiramdam ko. He had a sister. He had.

"My sister OD'ed the night after her birthday. Maaga syang natulog dahil may pasok pa daw sya kinabukasan. I let her sleep. Hindi ko sya pinilit na magpuyat kasama ako na lagi naman naming ginagawa. I just let her sleep. I never checked on her that night. Not even once." He breathed heavily while telling us or me dahil sure naman akong alam na ng mga kaibigan nya ito.

"It's not your fault." I whispered. I gripped my bottle so hard. He looked at me.

"I know. I should've done more but it's too late for regrets. Ang mapapayo ko lang sayo try to live a little longer. Maybe you'll find a reason to live this life." He said while staring at me.

I'm not going to kill myself. I never tried to do that intentionally but somehow I still feel the guilt inside me. Hindi mawala. Ayaw ako lubayan.

"Yeah. Maybe." I answered. I drank my beer almost halfway while avoiding everyone's eyes.