Chapter 25
Performance
It's seems like my tears is on a race. Nag-uunahan silang lumabas sa aking mga mata. Maybe they're all tired of me for hindering them to fall freely.
They badly wanted to come out huh?
And for what?
No.
Must be, for whom?
None other than the cockroach I hated for a long time. And that hate turns into. . . fucking love. Napakaposible palang mangyari no'n. Ano'ng alam ko eh wala naman akong pakialam sa tanginang pagmamahal na 'yan noon.
Tuloy ngayon ay para akong baliw. Anong parang? I am indeed crazy!
Sinabi-sabi ko pang iiyak lang ako kapag nakalayo na! My tears just betrayed me. . .
Pati ba naman mga kinginang luha ko ay kampi sa kaniya. Gusto rin siyang paluguran. Ano na lang ba ang maiiwan sa akin?
Ang bobo mo talaga, Ade. Ramdam na ramdam mo na nga ang sakit diyan sa loob mo! Of course it's the only thing that's left to you! - a lecture from my brain. Na akala mo naman hindi rin naging estupida. For all I can remember, he was always in my mind.
Hanggang ngayon nga ay siya parin ang nasa isip ko! Obviously, he dominated my head too. . . And still dominating now!
Ang tanga tanga ng buong pagkatao ko!
Now? What am I doing? Instead of running away hastily, I am almost crawling on the floor while crying like an actress wanting to win a fucking award. I cannot pack my things up cuz I feel so weak. Ngayon ay mas ramdam na ramdam ko ang sakit.
I am so close on pitying myself. . .
Kung bakit ko ba naman kasi hinayaan ang puso kong masunod sa lahat?
No! Kung bakit ka naman kasi nahulog sa lalaking iyon?! You're already aware how arrogant he is! How fool he is! Isa siyang hambog, gago, hudyo at hangal! How could you fall for that man carelessly?!
Nasa huli ang pagsisisi.
Sa huli pa naman daw. . .
Sometimes we should really believe to what an adages says. It might seem a joke, futile and unimportant, but eventually we'll realize that it actually speak the truth. The straightforward veracity.
What y'all can do is to believe.
Don't be like me who disregard its meaning. Who didn't take it seriously.
Now that I'm really at the ending. I got my consequences. I am crying. Mourning for my broken heart. Regretting all my decisions.
Suminghot ako at pinilit na tumayo kahit na kapwa nanginginig ang aking mga tuhod. Gusto ko pang umiling sa sarili. Pati ba naman tuhod ko ay hindi pinalagpas. . . He has gotten me weak. All weak.
I was sobbing when I walked inside my closet. Hindi ako makapagsimula sa pag-iimpake dahil sa mga luhang sunod-sunod na nagsisipatakan.
It took me a minute to calm myself. Mahirap ding pigilin ang pag-iyak ngunit nagawa ko naman.
I couldn't bring all of my clothes though I promise to left without traces. I have no more time left. Masyado ko ng naubos sa kakaiyak.
Kumuha ako ng maleta at pinaglalagay doon ang mga una kong nakitang damit. It's all dresses I think haven't used cuz I can still see their tags. Nang makitang sapat na ang damit na nakuha ay lumipat naman ako sa mga panloob. I couldn't think of anything but to flee away as fast as I could.
