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It's not that you don't want Steven to touch you
It's that you do
You're just not used to it
You've been deprived of physical contact for a long time
And the worst part is, you want nothing more than to feel close to someone, but you're too afraid to let anyone in
You were starting to think you'd never find someone you'll feel comfortable enough with, who would take the time to learn everything you think is 'weird' about you and still choose to stay with you
But then you met Steven
And though it took you a while to realize and accept it, he really liked you and wanted you around, not in spite of your quirks, but because of them
The same way you liked and appreciated every part of him, even the ones he was afraid might push you away
Now, you'd think that meeting someone just as touch starved as you would solve your little huge problem, right?
Turns out, it's not that simple
The first time you touch him, it's on accident
You're together on the bus, both standing because of how crowded it is
There's hardly anything for you to hold on to, and Steven would gladly offer you his slightly more stable spot but there isn't much space for maneuver
So when the bus takes a sharp turn, you grab onto his arm to steady yourself out of sheer reflex
Suddenly he's really close and you can smell his aftershave and he's asking if you're alright
And you instantly panic because he went a little stiff and he sounds a bit strained and you're making him uncomfortable, of course you are says that little nagging voice in your head
You let go so quickly and you can't really meet his eyes as you apologize quietly
Which makes Steven's heart sink a little
'Cause it felt really nice to have you close, so nice he couldn't find his words for a moment there
But you pulled away as if it burned
And now you're trying to keep your balance without touching him, which is really hard with all the turns
So, Steven gives it another shot
"You can hold on, you know? I don't mind."
You're a little taken aback, but he seems genuine
Now that you have permission, you wrap your hands around his arm
Timidly, but it's a start
You thank him, and after you share a little smile, the contact doesn't feel so unnatural anymore
You're actually kind of disappointed when you have to get off the bus
Because you know you may not get other chances to touch him for so long
In your mind, there has to be some excuse for it, otherwise it's just you being clingy to someone who's not ever your boyfriend
But then he does ask you out And being on a date should be the best 'excuse' for touching there is, right?
Not really
You spend practically all evening at the restaurant looking at his hand on the table, thinking about reaching out to rest yours on it
But you just keep thinking, what if it's too forward? Too soon? Too a million little things that stand between you and that little point of contact you've been craving for so long
In your mind, at least, because Steven would never think any of them were true
He barely refrains from taking your hand out of the blue during dinner
But then you take a walk under the moonlight
And your hand keeps brushing his as you walk side by side
And he just goes for it, intertwining your fingers
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Something like that (don't mind me crying 😭)
And again, you get a little tense
Those pesky thoughts come back, what if you're holding his hand too tight, what if your hand's too limp in his, what if your palm gets sweaty-
But it's easier to push them away, especially when you remind yourself that he initiated it, he wanted to hold your hand
And it feels so nice to simply let go and enjoy it
When you're standing in front of your door at the end of the night, Steven doesn't want to overwhelm you even though he wants nothing more than to ask for a kiss
He kisses you on the cheek instead
You almost, almost flinch, but he does it so gently you instantly melt when you feel his lips on your cheek
After that, it gets easier with time
Once you're comfortable enough, you tell him why you've been a little weird about touching him
He's just relieved it's not because he's being too forward
As always, communication is key
Because now you know he needs to feel you close as much as you do
You're still a little afraid that you'll get used to it and then lose it again
But the more time you spend with him, the more faith you have this is something that's going to last
You start to relax into him whenever he wraps his arm around your shoulders
You even initiate touches throughout the day, small at first, leading up to casual kisses you leave on his cheeks or lips at random times, just because
And with time and Steven by your side, you finally stop being a stranger to affection and all the wonderful little ways in which he fills your life with it
