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janet jackson - fit ⤴
I had to change my clothes. I ended up throwing up from how hard I was crying. I didn't mean to do it, and defiently not in Toni's car, but I just kept hearing their moans and how Cee was talking. It made me sick to my stomach. Then when Toni started yelling it only made me cry harder, it might've made me feel worse then knowing I was being cheated on.
This wasn't the first time, I shouldn't really be surprised. But--she promised. And I believed her. Because that's what I do, I sit and believe everything she says to me because I'm so stupid. Toni was right about me, I'm just clueless. As of now, I was sitting on the floor next to my bed. Toni was outside cleaning her car while I was feeling sorry for myself.
I was really trying to stop crying. But I can't help it. I already know Toni's annoyed with me for throwing up in her car and I can tell she doesn't like crying in general. So, really, I was trying to stop. But, it's wasn't working. And then seeing that Ciara was now blowing up my phone wasn't doing me any good either.
She must've realized she called by accident and was trying to see if I heard or not. So, I started crying even harder. Because I know when I answer the phone she's only going to either pretend it never happened, or gaslight me into making it my fault.
She does it all the time. I know sometimes I come off as dumb and oblivious but I'm aware of what happens. And it doesn't do me much good, because I love her so much that I'm willing to let her do and say what ever she wants as long as she'll stay with me. We've been together for the past five years and I don't think I know how to function without her anymore.
She's mean a lot and hurts my feelings sometimes, but she gives me the sense of stability that I need in life. I can never make decisions for myself so her making them for me made it a lot easier to do things. The only reason I'm not falling off the deep end and haven't gotten myself into a stupid situation is because of Toni. I mean, I know she doesn't like me very much but either way you look at it she still makes decisions for me and does a lot for me.
Like taking me to school, and bringing me to the coffee place with her. It seems simple to her, but as someone with my anxiety and a bunch of other stupid stuff, I need those things in my life. I should really just shut up and stop overthinking because it's only making me cry more.
And I'm supposed to stop crying before Toni comes back inside. She's already been outside cleaning her car of my puke for about twenty minutes. Ciara called me again and I felt even more tears run down my cheeks. I was about to pick up my phone and answer because, maybe she had some form of a valid reason for what I heard. Maybe it was porno, or the neighbors or she left her phone somewhere. It could even have been a prank.
