The Love We Found

Chapter 42

Axel's POV: 

Grant and Jeremy left Jaxon and I to our own devices while they cooked dinner. We were playing Halo and doing an actual campaign instead of just playing against each other. They had been in the kitchen for a while when Jaxon finally spoke. 

"So.. Wanna talk about it?" 

"Talk about what?" 

"You colored out. Grant said he hadn't even done anything yet when you did." 

"I didn't want to be punished." 

"Yeah... I get that but you've never colored out over a punishment before. Why now?" 

"Because I didn't think I could handle it." 

He paused the game with a sigh. "Look.. I understand, I do. But when was the last time you went into sub space? Like truly in." 

"I kinda went in when we all did stuff.. together." 

"What about just the two of you? When was the last time?" 

"I don't know. It's been a while. We haven't had sex together in a while until we did when we all did a scene." 

"How long is a while?" 

"Championship night." 

"Three weeks! You guys haven't had sex alone in almost three weeks?" 

"I haven't wanted to." I shrugged. 

"Why?" He looked confused. 

"Between my new meds and the diabetes I just... havent been in the mood. Besides it's not like I'm that attractive anymore. I've lost weight, I have a fucking pod sticking out of my body. I have scars that I have done to myself, I have bags under my eyes because I sleep like shit. I can't really get a boner half the time. It's not something that is really working out for me." I grimaced. 

"You did not... just bash yourself." He glared at me. "You had a major fucking drop and ended up getting diagnosed with diabetes on top of that. Of course you ended up losing weight. The fact you think any of that makes you less attractive, especially to Grant, who fucking loves you, is absurd. I understand that you have hurt yourself before and it's hard to see the scars. Especially this one." He gently touched the word fag on my forearm. "But it shows your battle and that you are winning because you are still here. As for hardly sleeping, maybe a sleeping pill would help, and maybe you need to look at another change in meds if it's effecting your sex drive." 

I quickly stood up from the couch and tossed the controller back on to it. "Leave it alone. Please." 

Jaxon called for me as I ripped the front door opened and slammed it behind me. I plopped down on the porch stairs and just breathed in the cool air. Covering my eyes with my hands. A few minutes after I fled outside my jacket was dropped onto my shoulders. I moved and looked up. Grant smiled at me. 

"I'm not going to make you come in until you are ready but I would appreciate you putting on your coat and your hat." He held the hat out to me. 

I nodded and took the hat, tugging it into place on my head before slipping into my jacket the correct way. "Thanks." 

"No problem. Dinner is ready. You come in whenever you are." 

"Okay." 

He crouched down and pressed a kiss on the side of my head. "I love you." He whispered. 

"You,  too." I nodded. 

He paused for a second before flashing a smile at me and heading back in the house. Once the door was closed, I let out a groan. I can't even tell him I love him right. I don't know why my automatic response was "You, too." But I said it without even thinking.  I laid back until I was looking up at the gray cloudy sky. It was pretty dark and you could see the moon and some stars but most of the sky was full of gray wispy clouds. My breath came out in white puffs. I stayed where I was for a bit getting myself together. I really just wanted a few minutes to myself and I was grateful that it was given to me.