SOUR

'You were so excited for me, to finally drive up to your house."

milli.

I collapse on my bed and I consider looking through more decoration ideas but I'm not in the mood anymore. I can't stop thinking about what Sunwoo says to me.

It's the strangest feeling, knowing that a stranger might know you more than your best friend, or even your boyfriend.

I hear the keypad unlock and the door opens, letting in light from the hallway.

"Mills?" Mj calls. "Are you awake?"

"I'm here." I say.

Mj sits next to where I'm laying on the bed. "I came to check on you, why didn't you come back up?"

"I'm kind of stressed," I say to him honestly. "There's the fall formal coming up, and my grade in global studies is going down, and this whole Sora thing, and-" I stop talking when I'm about to say something about Sunwoo.

"Have you ever thought about dropping a club or something?" He asks.

"No that's illegal."

"You know what would make you feel better?" Mj asks.

"Beach trip," I say.

He laughs. "You could have just asked if you wanted to go to the beach. But no, not that." He leans forward and kisses my lips.

That takes me by surprise, and soon his mouth is on my neck, and his hands are wandering. And I love him, I really do and I want to experience everything with him, but it's all happening too fast. And everytime he tries I do the same thing. I get nervous and I push him away.

I don't want to do that, so I let him continue, but it just doesn't feel right. I pull away and I recognize that look in his eyes. That same look every time.

It's disappointment. And it crushes me because I never want to disappoint him or do anything to make him feel that way.

"I'm sorry," I whisper. "I'm not ready."

He sits on the edge of the bed and I can sense his thoughts bouncing off the walls. "When will you be ready?" He's not angry, but he's not encouraging either.

"I don't-I don't know. And it's not you it's just that-"

"You don't trust me?" He asks.

"No, it's not that at all."

"Then what is it?" Mj suddenly stands up. "I don't know about you, but I'm trying to do my best here to meet you in the middle. I honestly don't know what the problem is, Milli, so tell me."

I feel tears sting the back of my eyes and I'm glad the lights are off, because I dont' want him to see me cry like this. "I'm just not ready."

"Answer the question. When?"

"I need a deadline for this? Is that what you're implying?" I ask.

"No it's- It's just making me frustrated because it seems like you don't actually want me as much as I want you."

I stay silent. If I talk I'm going to break and cry, and I may be weak but I know that this is not something I should have to apologize for.

Mj lets out a breath of frustration and then he turns around and he's gone. The door shuts with some force, but not a lot. It's not enough of a slam to tell if he's still going to be mad tomorrow.

Sometimes he is, sometimes he isn't.

I turn on my side and I press my hand against the spot where his lips used to be on my neck. How can someone so loving make me feel like this?