SOUR

'Address the letters'

milli.

"They said you get 24 hours to pack and shit." Sunwoo says. He takes his sweatshirt off and throws it on the chair.

It's nearly midnight, and it's been four hours since I was in the office. I've been sitting here on his messy bed, staring at his closed curtains as if looking out the window.

"I just called Sola, she and Hyunjae want you to go stay at their place." He says.

I hear him talking, but it's like it's a foreign language. I don't understand anything right now. I'm going to miss 10 days of school. 10 days for something I didn't do. I don't get to see my friends. I don't get to do the work that I like, I have to be punished for trying to protect myself. I just don't understand how any of this is real.

"Mills?" Sunwoo says.

I barely blink.

He walks over and sits on the edge of the bed. "We're gonna figure it out." He says.

I nod slowly, still not looking at him.

Sunwoo sighs and goes over to his desk. He takes out a pack of cigarettes and says something about being back soon.

The door shuts and I'm left with the silence that's been ringing in my ears ever since they told me I was suspended. If my parents were here what would they say? What would I have told them? That I failed to advocate for myself?

I look around the dim room, I search for the papers but I know Sunwoo still has them in his pocket. That pen.

I dig around in his desk until I find one. I don't know what I'm doing. I click it open, I draw a line on the palm of my hand as I pace back and forth. What am I doing?

I walk to his window, to the bathroom, all around his dorm, as I scrape the pen over and over against the skin of my palm, desperate for something, anything. Maybe if I feel the pain that he supposedly did, I would understand.

Suddenly I feel a sharp scratch, the blue ink explodes all over my hand and I can't even tell if there's a cut under it or not. It stings, but not enough to make me go to the admin office and file a report against a student for assault.

But when I felt that sudden pain, I snapped out of it. The ringing in my ear stopped, and my mind was brought back to my body. It made me feel... better.

I toss the pen out and I realize Sunwoo went out to go smoke. Holding my hand close to me, I take the stairs up to the rooftop. This time, when I open the door, I do feel the cold air rush at my face.

He's wearing a short sleeve, and if I had noticed I would have brought him a jacket. He's facing away from me, looking at the view of the city night below us. A cloud of smoke blows out of his mouth as he turns around to see who's there. He coughs when he sees me.

"I cut myself." I say, still holding my hand out like a kid in primary school.

Sunwoo doesn't react at first, but his eyebrows slowly furrow.

"On purpose?" He asks.

The words click. I blink, twice and I stare at my hand. The ink has dried now and I see a sliver of blood on the palm of my hand.

"....I don't know." I say, as if I've just realized. More things I don't understand.

Sunwoo drops his cigarette and beckons me forward. I join him in this dark corner and he raises my hand to his eye level.

"Why is it blue?" He asks.

"The pen exploded." I say. But I'm the one that made it explode. I just wanted to see how I could have possibly cut Mr. Young's skin like that. Right? That's all that was going through my head. It scares me that it could have been something more, and I didn't even realize it.

"Does it hurt? Why would you do that??" He asks.

"I just... I wanted to know." I say.

"Know what??"

"What it was like," I shrug.

"Please... please don't do this again." He squeezes my hand gently. "What can I do to never make this happen again?"

I shake my head and I offer him a smile. Because it won't happen again. "Stop smoking then," I tell him.

Sunwoo blinks. "Done." He reaches into his pocket and hands me the small white box. "Let's go back inside and get you cleaned up."

As we walk down the stairs Sunwoo doesn't let go of my hand. In his bathroom he stands behind me at the sink and runs the water over it until the blue comes off.

I glance at him through the mirror and he's laser focused on my hand. My shoulder brushes against his chest, and I remind myself that I'm not alone. I'm not lonely, because he's here.

"Sunwoo?" I ask.

"Hm," He asks, and turns the faucet off to look at the cut.

"Thank you."

"Why the hell are you thanking me?" He asks, dragging me to the floor where we sit as he looks under the sink for a bandaid.

I shrug. "You being here is enough. You know that right? Even if I'm upset that things didn't work out the way I hoped, this is still good enough for me."

Sunwoo glances at me, and bites down on a found bandaid and rips the paper off with his free hand.

"You still don't need to thank me for that." He places it on my palm and smoothens it out. "You deserve more."

That thought had never occurred to me. All my life I had been teaching myself how to be grateful. Never to take anything for granted as long as I was alive after the crash. But I didn't realize how much I lowered my standards for the people around me, and even for myself.

Sunwoo raises my palm to his lips and presses down a soft kiss.

"We should really go watch some Netflix." Sunwoo says.

"Sounds like a plan." I say.

We both stand up and while he grabs his laptop I look for a place to hide the cigarette pack. I dig around in my bag. I had been meaning to paint my nails for the longest time, but the past week I've barely had a moment to myself.

It surprises me when Sunwoo picks something from the romance section to watch. I wonder if he picked it because he thought I'd like it, or because he watches this kind of thing.

I forget to ask him, because he gets too immersed in the show and I focus on painting my nails a nice forest green color.

It seems like we sink into his bed, and I might never want to leave. It's the most calm I've felt in a while. With the background noise of the movie and Sunwoo's steady breathing next to me, I can almost forget about everything.

His hand makes its way towards me and I glance up at him. It seems like he's been watching me for a bit.

He makes a slight nod towards the nail polish in my hand and I grin.

Sunwoo focuses his attention on me as I take his hand and I paint the same green.

"That's talent." Sunwoo says and examines my work.

"It's easy," I laugh.

"Let me try." He says. I hand him the small bottle and his fingers tremble as he attempts to paint my non dominant nails.

Nail polish gets everywhere, even on his bed sheet but he doesn't seem to care. He's determined. It seems like Sunwoo is willing to do anything for the people he loves.

And as much as I want to give up this whole situation, a part of me knows that he won't let that happen.