SOUR

'I hope ur ok.'

milli.

My hair blows in the wind behind me along with my dress. I grasp Sunwoo's waist in front of me as he slowly speeds up his bike.

After we threw the lilies into the ocean Sunwoo and I took a long walk around the beach. I don't know the last time the 26th had been so placid. Probably before they died.

"This too fast?" he yells over the wind.

"No, you're good!" I answer.

After a while I get less tense when I realize Sunwoo is actually good at driving this thing. I let myself lean my head on his back as we go the rest of the way towards school.

When he parks there are a few groups of people lounging around. They stare at us, probably wondering why I'm wearing a purple dress on a school day.

"Hey I have somethings to do," Sunwoo says and locks his motorcycle. "I'm gonna go."

"O-okay," I say, though I don't miss the way he avoids eye contact with the people around us.

I begin walking towards the dormitory buildings to change when someone taps my shoulder.

"Milli Cho," Professor Young greets me with a smile.

"Oh, hello sir. Is there something I can do?" I ask.

"No, just thought I'd say hi. Are you alright? Have you been crying?" He asks.

"I'm okay," I tell him. "Thanks." though I really just want to go to my bed and sleep the day away.

"Oh and I also wanted to plan another meeting with you guys about Sunwoo's progress. How's the week after new years looking? When break is over?"

"Okay. Yeah sure." I answer.

"Alright, I'll let you go now, and you look nice by the way." He walks off.

The compliment doesn't make me feel the way it should have. The way his eyes lingered on me for half a second before he turned away... it made me feel uneasy.

But maybe I'm just imagining it, after all he is my favorite teacher and I'm sure I'm one of his favorite students.

I say hi to a few people on the way back, because I suddenly feel like myself again. When I get to my room I collapse on my bed, even with a small smile, knowing my roommate will probably be back soon.

__

When I wake up the sun is setting, and I stretch. I check my phone. It's still the 26th.

I get out of bed and I nearly slip on a paper shoved under my door. I pick it up and it reads New Years Eve Party! Starts at 9 on the rooftop — Miji

It's not unusual to go to random people's parties, but my first thought is to ask if Sunwoo is going.

I find my phone lost under my bed and I call him.

"What?" He asks.

"Hi." I say. I like the feeling of being on the phone with him.

"What is it?"

"Is that how you always answer the phone?" I laugh a bit.

"No I'm just busy." He says.

"Oh I can call later."

"It's fine, I'm just in the shower," he says.

"In the shower??" I ask.

"Yep. No clothes and everything."

"SUNWOO! Why would you answer the phone??" I ask. "Is your phone getting soaked?"

"Because you called," he says. "I thought it was an emergency. And no I'm not that dumb, I stopped the water."

"Okay, well there's a New Year's Eve party and I-"

"No."

"But it might be fun!" I say.

"I mean no, I wasn't invited because I know you were going to ask that. You should just start assuming that." He grumbles.

"What if I invite you?" I ask.

"Whose party?"

"I don't know, some girl that lives in our building."

"I'll think about it," he says in English.

"Okay, y-you don't have to, I just thought we could go... together."

"Together?" He asks. I try to decipher the feeling in his voice, and I don't know if it's shock, joy, or disgust. I go with shock just to be safe.

"N-no! Not together, like...like friends." I say.

"....okay, yeah. I'll let you know." He says.

I hang up and when I see myself in the mirror my face is bright red. I quickly go do some work before I can keep imagining Sunwoo in the shower on the phone with me.

Stop. Imagining. It.

I shake my head of the thoughts and I force myself to do some work.

Sunwoo.

I turn the hairdryer on and I wrap a towel around my waist. I smile a bit, remembering how flustered Milli had sounded when I told her where I was.

My smile fades as I remember how we pulled up to campus with all those people watching. They usually just watch her, but today it was me too. Probably wondering how a guy like me could spend the day with someone like her. I hate all that attention.

The problem is that I want to spend more time with her. I want to be around her all the time and just when I let myself enjoy it, I remember how fast I was turned on before. I remember the stares I got from people like Miji for even being friends with Sola and Hyunjae.

It's conflicting to say the least. Knowing I need to be friends with her, but wanting more. For a moment today I had forgotten about it all. I forgot about the last semester in high school I spent dreading waking up everyday because I had let myself love someone.

When I got in the shower earlier I considered just saying fuck it, and letting myself be honest with mills. But now that fear that I had misread all the signs is taking over.

And besides, what if I don't like Milli that way? What if I'm just afraid of being lonely? What if we're both just using each other to fill the voids of our pasts?

This is what my best friend did to me. I'm afraid to love, I'm afraid to be loved.