SOUR

'Enough for you,'

milli.

Spicy tofu soup turned out to be just what we needed. I also learned that Sunwoo does not handle spice well, though he tried to play it off cool.

"You want something to drink?" I hold back laughter as he sticks his burning tongue out and gulps down water.

"I'm good." He says, but he definitely does not sound good.  

"Okay." I say as we stand up and I push my chair in. "I'm kind of thirsty though, I could use one."

"OH well if you insist," Sunwoo says immediately. I smile and we walk down the road to a small cafe.

We order drinks and wait near the register.

"Are you going to the Christmas party?" I ask.

"No." He says and takes out his phone to check into a game.

"Why not?" I ask.

"Because I wasn't invited."

"What if I invite you?"

"Pass."

"Then I won't go," I say.

"Why?"

"Because who else will I go with?"

"I don't know." Sunwoo shrugs. "Jacob? Olivia?"

"I guess," I say. Though really i just want him to go.

"Is there alcohol?" Sunwoo asks.

"Most likely," I answer.

"I'll think about it."

I smile, because I know he'll end up going.

"We can't stay too late though, I have something the day after," I add.

"Something the day after Christmas?" He asks.

"December 26th is when it happened," I explain. "I drive back here then to be near them."

When I returned home from the hospital a few weeks later i had found the Christmas decorations still up. The tree was still plugged in, there were empty hot chocolate cups on the counter. Three of them.

I had bursted into tears in that moment because that's when I realized I was truly alone. I was in a house with nothing but the floor boards creaking. I could never wait for my dad to come home again from work because he never would. I would never see the smile on my moms face when I would come home from school. That smile that could make my day better, and the one that encouraged me to be that kind to everyone around me.

I had lost something that could never be found. Like throwing a letter into the ocean.

Sunwoo nods. "We'll leave at 10."

"Okay," I say.

The waiter waves to us and hands Sunwoo the iced americano and me the caramel macchiato.

"Thank you," I tell him.

We switch drinks, and I laugh quietly.

"What's so funny?" He takes a sip through his straw.

"Nothing," I say.

"Ugh, how can you drink that?" Sunwoo asks as we walk back to the car. The rain has stopped but there are puddles all over the sidewalk.

"It's good," I hop over a puddle.

"It's too bitter," he replies.

"I'm surprised you drink that," I say and we get back into the car.

"What? It's good," Sunwoo says defensively.

We make it back over the bridge without having to pull over, and I stick my head out the window again all the way back to school.

When we arrive on campus I remember how dull and gloomy it is over here. It feels like we froze time and Sunwoo and I left and came back and nothing changed.

But to me, everything has changed.

When we say goodbye to each other and I return to my empty room I think of him. I try to get work done but I can't, because I'm thinking about how I've never relied on someone before, and yet I do to him. How I used to never open up to people—I preferred smiling and listening to others problems—but he knows all my secrets.

Why? Why do I trust him so much? Why do I think about him when he's not even here?

Why do I not even miss Mj anymore?

At night when I'm laying in the dark trying to sleep, I toss and turn instead. But it's in that restless moment when I come to the realization.

I keep him close because I want him to be. I want to stay with him, near him, because it feels like everything might actually be okay. And when I'm with him I don't have to be as strong as I pretend I am to others.

He doesn't mind the real me. He doesn't mind if I don't smile all day everyday.

We tell each other things we don't tell anyone else. Our experiences are so different, yet strangely similar. We just understand each other.

And I have met many people in my lifetime. I've seen many go.

I see all the smiles and the laughs in the world. I've felt all the hugs.

But none are quite like his. No hug has ever made me feel so safe or appreciated.

And that's the realization. That I want to be his friend forever. I want to be more. I want to be his support system and the person he tells the good and bad news first. I want to be his everything.

And I can only hope that he wants to be mine.