•Pride•

The last time (31)

Journal, I am writing for the last time.

I know Adria and I agreed to write our story in here until the very end. But my end is coming. After we married, Adria and I have known I wouldn't live as long as her. My cancer relapsed, and the doctors told me I wouldn't make it.
But here I am, I made it. I made it farther than I thought, journal.

I hope AJ will give journal like this to Neveah. For her life story. Mothers to daughter. I want her to be successful. All parents do, don't they? My child is going to be incredible. She is going to change the world.
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Jan's funeral was today.

It was windy and misty, just the kind of weather she loved. I would've liked for her body to be there, but she donated that to science and they where running tests on it so we couldn't have her. But it was nice enough, speeches from close people, food, we all wrote a note to her and but it in a box which we eventually buried in the yard of our house. It was my turn for the speech. A long Velvet carpet stretched from the podium to the pillars at the entrance of the gardens. I wore a lilac brooch, and her amethyst wedding ring next to my emerald wedding ring.

I opened my mouth to speak, but I could not fathom the words. I knew them, I had practiced them, but I couldn't speak them. This was not a place I could be in any longer. I needed to go. I shifted awkwardly and just before I meant to run;

I saw January. Her queer self was waking towards me, Alpine on a leash in her hands.

There was a moment when I couldn't decide if she was real or just my imagination. But when I saw her blue eye do that twitching thing that always creeped me out, I knew it was her. Her brown eye focused on me as if she could see me. I ran towards her, and wrote 'love' on the palm of her hand. She smiled, and hugged me.

Jan read though all the notes in the box and answered all questions she was asked. She also answered my question.

"When I lost my mom, there where so many things I realized I wanted to know from her. I wanted to be here for the people that have that for me. And I needed you to be the last person I was with." She smiled.

I sniffled.

"What?" I choked

"I have 2 hours, approximately." She sighed.

Neveah ran up to her. She was only six at the time.

"Mom!" She screamed and ran to January. Jan picked up Neveah and pressed her own forehead to hers. Tears fell from her eyes like a glittering river. I walked up to them and put an arm around both of them. Jan said goodbye to the group before I drove her back to the hospital. She sat on the bed. Her eyelids where weak, she couldn't keep them open. She couldn't hold the objects they asked her to. Her heart slowed. I couldn't let Neveah see her mother die, so it was just me holding her hands. She was peaceful. Five minutes she said nothing. Too soon, the doctor nodded at me.

"No." I whispered. Jan smiled softly.

"I love you, Adria Jade. I do and I always have."

"No." I repeated, tears welling in my eyes.

She weakly lifted my hand.

And wrote 'love'.

Her pulse monitor silenced, her breathing softened to nothing. I laid my head on her chest, my tears soaking her sheets. The doctors told me I had to leave, and I eventually did. My bold, strong, love of my life was gone. I felt lost, but I could still feel her hand drawing on mine.

Journal, to this day I wake up feeling her hand on mine.
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