Distant Thoughts

Wonderlust

I wonder if, when you see me, you think of all that you lost.

You lost someone who snaps at the littlest things, like not texting back when I'm upset or being witty when you tell me you love me.

You lost someone who smiles at the setting sun and cries when the sun rises.

You lost someone who held you while you cried. Who told you the least of your worries was someone not liking you, but people liking you because you acted like someone else.

You lost someone who was there through it all. Your mother, your father, and everyone in between. I wasn't there very much, but that was only because I wasn't there in my head. I tried to be there for you. Why didn't you ever let me in?

You lost someone who knew how to make you laugh. Who knew that if I scrunched my face up and said I was a walrus with the ends of two spoons between my teeth, you'd laugh like I was a standup comedian.

You lost someone who knew that if I dragged my nails down your spine, you'd groan and pick me up and throw me on your bed. Someone who knows how to make you moan. Make you shake. Make you cry in unbridled pleasure that gathered in the pit of your stomach and made you want to die.

You lost someone who knew what it was like to be alone. Who never let you go to sleep upset, or tried not to.

You lost someone who waited for you to get home from school so I could help you decompress.

You lost someone who waited for morning to come just so I could tell you to have a good day.

You lost someone who wiped your tears away.

You lost someone who held your hand boldly and walked with you through the capital of my state on my birthday.

You lost someone who knew more about art and music and poetry than she did about football or baseball. You lost someone who tried to be interested in the things you were, when you weren't interested in knowing what I did at talented art on Thursdays.

You lost someone who fought for you. Who cried for you. Who loved you.

You lost someone with long blonde hair that I curled for you. Who winged their eyeliner and painted their lips red because I knew you loved it. Who dressed up not for anyone else, but just for you.

You lost someone who was willing to catch the fury of your mother just to stay up late with you at your house.

You lost someone who loved you. Who constantly thought about you but acted like they didn't care. I acted like that so that when you left, maybe it would hurt a lot less. In reality, it just made it hurt worse. I tried to put up walls but you came at them with a hammer and stayed for months until they came crumbling down. In the ruins, I was left holding onto you.

Now, I'm drowning. I'm wading knee deep through icy water, screaming your name. All of my friends are at the shoreline, telling me to just get out of the water. To just let go. The reason I can't is that you've got me shackled by the ankle, with an anchor dragging below the sand.

I loved you.

The thing that hurts the most is that I know you loved me too.