Distant Thoughts

Liar

I said I would stop writing about you.
And crying about you.

Okay, and thinking about you.
But I can't. I'm crying right now.
I won't even talk to any of my friends. Especially not my best friends, which are your family. Your sister tried to text me and I told her to go the fuck away because I couldn't quit crying.

Do you even KNOW how bad that is?
You don't even read these so what's the point. I don't get any closure. I just cry.

I think back to when we first met. You were tiny and pale and your hair stuck up in all different directions. You had way more freckles back then and your cheeks were as chubby as they are now.

You didn't even look at me, or I didn't notice if you did, but I instantly fell in love with you. Subconsciously, I disguised it as hatred. When you noticed me, it was to act hatefully and rude.

I remember waking up one night after falling asleep on the couch and your blanket and pillow were surrounding me. I was bombarded by your scent. You told me a year ago that it was you. If I came to your house and fell asleep; would you do it again?

I know the answer is no.
We were nine when we first met.
I loved you then and I love you more now.

I remember another time, we were all sitting at the table. You, your sister, and I. You said something to me, and G promptly snapped, "She does not like you and she will never like you. Go away." Now, I remember the hurt and pain that registered on your face as you stood up and left the room.

Another time, I was on the couch and flirting with your best friend to try and make you jealous. You were across the room, your face hard and fists clenched. Sometimes I think about if I'm ever allowed to come over again, if your best friend was there; would I use him to get to you again?

Fast forward to today, and I'm in my bed. I'm so fucking broken. I still have nightmares every night. My hands shake when I pick things up and I forget things all the time. My lips tremble when somebody says your name too much. Your sister looks too much like you and when we get off the phone, I start crying. The blood won't stop pouring. I still etch A's into my skin. Do you still love me?

I'm falling apart. My best friends and I are falling apart and I can't fix it. I can't get you back, either, and what bothers me the most is that's the only thing bothering me. Why can't I just move on?

"Will I ever just decide
To let it die?
To let go of all my motives?"

I still need you. I still need you holding my hand before I get in the water; telling me that he's not in it. That he won't ever hurt me again. And God, WHY WERE YOU THE ONLY ONE I EVER LISTEN TO?

I can't even quit crying. My whole body shakes with sobs and I long to scream for you. It won't do any good, just like reaching out to you won't help either.

"BUT THE TRUTH IS
YOU WERE NEVER THERE
YOU WON'T EVER BE
SOMETIMES I THINK I'M NOT EITHER
SO WHAT DO I DO
WHEN EVERYDAY STILL SEEMS TO START AND END WITH YOU
AND YOU WON'T EVER KNOW
YOU WILL NEVER SEE
HOW MUCH YOU GHOST SINCE THEN HAS BEEN HAUNTING ME
I left your memory out on the balcony."

I pray to God that one day it won't hurt anymore, but it has been months. Everyday just hurts worse and the more I shove it down, the worse it gets. How long am I resigned to my bed to cry? How long before I can go places without remembering what we did there? How long before I stop remembering you pinning me against the wall, your mouth crushing mine, your hands searching desperately across my skin; moans bouncing off the wall?

How long before I'm okay again?

How long before I stop waiting for you?

How long before you come back?

How long before I realize you're not COMING BACK?