Distant Thoughts

Late Dreams

I had three dreams about you today.
I was sick so I couldn't go to church. When I went back to sleep, I dreamt of you. For the first time in months, maybe.
I miss you. God, I can't keep lying to myself. I fucking miss you.
I miss the way you called me baby and told me you loved me every other text. Like I didn't hear it enough, because I don't. I keep praying one day you'll text me and this stupid feud will be over but I know I lost my chance. I know I lost you. I know it's over.
"I don't miss her anymore, not really. I don't even know if I'm happier though," You told my mother.
"I don't love him anymore," I lied to all of my friends. Please, God, tell me you were lying too.
Tell me when you got on the phone and mom put it on speaker that when you sang that Lionel Ritchie song, you were subconsciously singing it to me. That when I started singing back, you closed back off and shut the door again. Tell me when you sent me that friend request you wanted to be friends again, but when you woke up that next morning you got scared so you deleted me.
Tell me you weren't deleting me from your life all over again.
Tell me that hearing my voice meant as much to you as it did to me. Tell me that you miss me like I miss you.
Tell me that when you hear that song, it makes you want to cry too.
Tell me that you still love me.
Tell me something. Please.
Because no matter what I say, or how many times I lie to myself and everyone else, I am not over you.
Everyday, at least once a day, I'll think of you before I can shove it back down. It's so much easier but so much harder all at the same time. I want to let you go. I do. I'm begging myself and God to just get rid of you. But I can't.
And I miss you. I love you. But God, I hate you. I can't forgive you for being so cruel and hateful to me all the time.
I can't forgive you for being distant that might on speakerphone.
I can't forgive you for breaking me. I told myself NO ONE ELSE COULD. SO WHY DID YOU?