Distant Thoughts

Almost

We almost made it. We almost. Fucking. Made it.

I think of this at the same time that I'm thinking of grabbing your face and screaming, "REMEMBER ME. DO YOU REMEMBER? I WAS THERE WITH YOU WHEN NO ONE ELSE WAS!"

I think of this at the same time I'm thinking, "Why did you let me go? Why did you just let me walk away, or was it you that walked away?"

I think of this at the same time I'm holding my head and rocking back and forth in the corner, praying to god no one finds the razor hidden underneath my mattress.

I think of this while I think about your eyes, looking into them and searching for the person I once knew.

I think of this while I drink too much and curl up next to someone who I'll regret in the morning.

I think of your face when someone else kisses me.

I think of you while I have my hands on someone else's shoulder, telling them they're too funny. Telling them I want them. Hoping they'll believe my lies.

I think of you while I draw. Endless lines on white, crumpled paper. It always feels like I'm digging the pencil into my own skin. I think about how you always wanted me to draw something for you. Maybe I will. Maybe I'll leave it on your pillow and let you decide whether or not "I don't care anymore."

I think of you while I'm in the car and there's tears streaming down my face because our song is on the radio.

I think of you while my fist lands against the side of the house and my knuckles bleed. While I'm trying to write and my hands cramp. While I look at anyone related to you and wish I could just run away from the images of you playing inside my head.

I think of you while I'm running. Running, running, running. The soles of my shoes hit the asphalt with a thud, almost like when I hit the ground when you told me you didn't want me anymore.

I think of you when my hair frizzes in the summer heat. "Don't pull it up, I like it when your hair is frizzy."

I think about the way we kissed. Slow, sweet. Your teeth on my bottom lip and your hands dragging me closer. I wonder why I didn't pry myself from your filthy grip.

We almost made it.

We could have had the fucking world.

I could have given it to you. My future is brighter than your smile, but you didn't stick around to watch me prosper.

We could have made it.

But you threw me away.