"I want to die. Jesus. I want. To die. I want to die. I'm gonna cry. I'm going to. I'm GONNA CRY." "It's okay. I promise it's okay. I'll be there with you soon." "I know. It just. I just. I can't. It hurts. I can't. I can't. It hurts and I can't fucking do this again." "JESUS CHRIST I WANT TO DIE."
My hands never quit shaking all day. I took your ring off and I slid it back into my bookbag. I took it out in second hour and put it back on. I did that all day. I can't make a decision. I almost passed out in fourth hour. I had a panic attack in seventh hour. How do you do this? How? I was fine. You came back and you ruined everything again. Why can't you just stay the fuck out of my life?
My best friend gave me that knowing look while I ran my thumb over the ring again and again. She said she told me not to do this, not to talk to you, but that I never listen. I should have. I should've blocked you when you first sent me that message a few weeks ago.
"He fucked someone else. It's supposed to be me. I was supposed to be his first. It was supposed to be fucking perfect. Fuck. FUCK!" "Did you cry when he told you?" "I cried. I changed the subject and acted like I was in a funny, joking mood. But I cried. I cried so fucking hard." "I would have too."
I can feel it now, I can feel it. Why I was so glad you left in the first place. Why I stopped waiting. Why I was so close to forgetting all about you. Because you make me want to fucking die half the time, and the other half you're making me so happy I want to scream. Where is the balance?
"Do you?" "Do I what?" "You keep looking at your phone. Do you wanna text him?" "Yeah." "Text him. Tell him the goddamn truth." "Okay." "Do you want to come to the bathroom with me?" "Why?" "I know you need to cry. Come on."
All of this happened within 24 hours. How? Why are my hands shaking so bad? Why do I want to die? Why did I cry so hard? Why is everything so hard?
"You're almost there. You're so close. Just keep talking to him. It'll make it easier. It'll make you get over him easier."
What the fuck kinda lie is that?
"I love you. I know I'm in love with you."
I hope one day you choke on those words while I shove them back down your throat for doing this to me AGAIN.
YOU ARE READING
Distant Thoughts
Poetryhow to: get over your first love write a book about your experience with heartbreak -- 1. "You are like the wind Sometimes here, sometimes not Maybe I ought To have known that now Is the time you aren't" 2. "I'm running out of things to say Please...
