Distant Thoughts

Goodbye

I'm starting to let you go.

When a thought of you comes, I can push it back down and it doesn't hurt. I go from an hour without thinking of you to several hours.

To a day.
Soon, it'll be a month.

I realize that you were bad for me. You had control issues and I have anger issues. When they mix, it's volatile.

That doesn't mean that if I saw you again, I wouldn't try to talk to you and end things on a better note.

Sometimes I think that when you didn't respond when I asked for an explanation, you were leaving a door open.
Now, I realize you didn't think I was worth one.

I would like to say that I am more than you deserve. I deserve the whole world and I will give it to myself.

I'm getting better. So much better. I hurt myself less, I make better decisions, and I think before I speak. Or I try to. My head is much more clear and I am happier. I am finally healing.

Sometimes I'll hear a song that you showed me. Or see a picture of us and it will hurt. I'll think, "Does he still feel that way about me?" And then I'll realize it does not matter.

I am enough.

I am more than enough.

I am a human being with thoughts and feelings and when I love, I love very hard.

I loved you a lot.

You were my first real love.

And when you truly care about someone, it never goes away.

Which is why I realized you never cared about me at all.

We didn't have much in common. You played football and I liked to draw. When you were running and throwing the ball with your friends, I sat and watched you. I tried to capture your shape on the paper. I made a sculpture out of you. I felt music so deeply, but when I showed you a song that meant everything to me, it meant nothing to you. You liked sports and I liked every aspect of art. You liked to talk about sports players and I liked to talk about Van Gogh. You wanted to be in the NFL, I wanted to be a freelance artist. I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to be in the military.

You protected me. You comforted me. You stayed through it all and you said you'd never leave.

But now, I realize you left because I wasn't good enough for you anymore. I gained too much weight, I went off the deep end, I started too many fights. My soul mate would have stayed.

My soul mate would have loved me anyway.

We don't belong together, and that is okay.

One day I hope that we can be friends.

But for now, I don't want anything to do with you.

I hope you have a wonderful life.

I'm sorry I won't be the one to give it to you.

Goodbye.