Distant Thoughts

Memories

There's very little to write about anymore, but I still miss you. If I ever see you again, I know I'd turn and walk away.

The truth is, no matter how much I love and miss you, I wish we had never met. I wish none of us had ever met.

If I had never met you, I wouldn't be in so much pain.

You said to me once, "Our relationship was too painful. I can't ever do it again. I don't want anything to do with you." So, I bit my tongue and I told you to do what you had to do.

If we hadn't of dated, you'd be so much happier. You'd be with some pretty, skinny, funny girl. Someone that isn't like me at all.

I bet your next girl will be the girl of your dreams because I wasn't.

And I'm okay with that. All I've ever wanted is for you to be happy, healthy, and safe. You're only healthy right now, but once you're out of that house you'll be all three.

Do you remember all those nights we stayed up talking on the phone? I was scared and you stayed with me. You told me not to be afraid, that I was safe and the nightmares weren't real.

Now that you're gone, no one is there to take care of me like that. No one loves me like you did. You don't even love me anymore, do you?

I'm so afraid now. I'm so afraid.
He's in my dreams every night again, and this time; you're not there to hold them back.
It hurts. I wake up and I check the windows and the doors and I expect him to come grab me again. I expect to wake up sometimes and be drowning again. I expect him to be on top of me, holding me down.

But you always told me those dreams weren't real. But this time, no one is here to tell me it's not happening again. This time, it's real. This time, I'm more afraid. This time, I need you more than ever.

The tears keep streaming and I keep shaking. My lips are dry and cracked and it only makes it worse when I bite them. Today I spent a full hour locked in my closet, hiding in the corner, crying, whimpering your name over and over. You know id never admit any of this to anyone, especially not you.

Not that you'd care.

I remember I was sat in your dining room, sobbing. Mom had left a giant bruise on my cheek when she hit me. You saw the whole thing and you sat beside me then, holding my hand. Your mom came in and bombarded me with questions and I couldn't see anything. I couldn't breathe. You were there, begging them to stop. That I couldn't see or breathe which meant I couldn't even answer questions. Your mom told you to get out, but you didn't. You pushed her aside and grabbed me and held me. I collapsed into your arms and screamed in agony.

Do you remember that day? How you held me? How you held back the sobs?

Do you remember all the times before and after and in between? How you held back the nightmares? How you kept me alive for so long?

How you were my strength?

Do you remember how much you meant to me?

Maybe I lied. Maybe that's all i am. A liar. Maybe I would take you back. Maybe I do wish we had met.

Maybe it's because I'll never fucking stop loving you.

Do you remember how we laid in your bed all those hot summer days and you held me? You ran your fingers through my hair and stroked my face. I remember laughing so hard. I remember you kissing all over my face, making noises when your lips left my skin. I remember your hands squeezing mine, I remember you tickling me, I remember you crawling on top of me and kissing me.

I remember you telling me you loved me. Over and over. That you cared. That you needed me. That you wanted me.

I remember you. Do you remember me?

I remember the way you used to be. All smiles and laughs and gentle hands. All kindness and light, at least to me. I remember how gentle you were with me, like you could break me with your hands.

I remember you kissing my scars. Telling me I was still beautiful.

I remember you sharing headphones with me. Singing along to my favorite songs.

I remember going to the mall and you carrying me on your back.

I remember you wrestling with me and always letting me win.

I remember you holding my hand.

I remember homecoming at your school. You knew I was shy, so you introduced me proudly to all your friends and danced with me boldly in front of everyone. I remember you picking me up and spinning me. I remember sneaking out and running the hallways with you, screaming with laughter. I remember you holding my heels while I ran.

I remember you.

Do you remember me at all?