All I know is that I woke up again to screaming and crying out your name, wishing you were holding me, hoping no one can hear me screaming. In tonight's dream, it was the same. You were on your couch and I was in those jeans you like and that shirt I love. I asked if you still loved me. You said I was pathetic and to leave you alone. No, you didn't, you said. You got up and left. I kept trying and you pushed me backwards and I hit the wall and slid down.
"If you love me
Let
Me
Go."
It's the same dream. Always. There's another one where we're in bed and you're holding me and all is right again and then the scene dissipates and you're bruising me and you're screaming and I'm crying and I wake up calling for you to stop.
I won't get into the bad ones today.
"and truth be told
I never was yours
The fear, the fear
The fear of falling apart."
I guess the truth is I am still in love with you. a small part of me still wants you. I still want to be with you. The largest part of me is wishing you were a woman. I don't... I don't know anymore.
I could make a list of all the things I actually want to say to you, but all I can think of is how much I fucking despise you. All I can think of is how much I want to break your nose and leave you on the ground calling for your mother. But I can't do that. I can't hurt you. I don't ever want you to feel how you made me feel.
I won't forgive you for leaving the first time or the second time or all the times in between.
All I know is that I'm angry. I'm angry you left with no goodbye and no explanation and I'm even angrier that I waited. I waited patiently and I shoved all my feelings down and I told myself to just cover up the memories and they'll go away. They didn't. They came back tenfold so I addressed them and I cherished them and I wrote about them and I got better.
So here is the next part.
How dare you?
How FUCKING DARE YOU?
You think you can just come back?
Come back into my life when I'm finally okay and I'm finally happy and my life is perfect?
You think that's okay?
You think that's a smart idea on your part?
You think I'm just gonna lay back down and let you crawl back into bed with me
After all the abuse, after all the goddamn stupidity?
No. You can't. Not today. Not today.
It would be the same thing again.
This time I'm not waiting for it to change again.
YOU ARE READING
Distant Thoughts
Poetryhow to: get over your first love write a book about your experience with heartbreak -- 1. "You are like the wind Sometimes here, sometimes not Maybe I ought To have known that now Is the time you aren't" 2. "I'm running out of things to say Please...
