Under the Pressure (De Silvianne Series #01)

12

“Did you know the feeling of pushing yourself to be the better when you're at your best?”

Mapait akong napangiti habang nakatingala sa kalangitang puno ng mga nagningning na bituwin.

“I don't know what I want because I'm thinking of what they want.” I felt my heart ached reminiscing everything. “Kung aangat ka at maraming maaachieve marerelieved ka kasi you still made it to live their expectations. Pero kung hindi naman madidisappoint sila.” mapait kong sabi.

“Sorry. I don't know what to say..”

“You don't have to,” patuloy ang pag-agos ng luha sa aking mata “I want to enjoy my life.. I want to enjoy the things I achieve for myself not for them..”

Ramdam ko ang paninikip ng dibdib kong parang pinipiga at wala paring patid na tumutulo ang mga luha ko.

“You know what, it feels so exhausting  to live their expectations. It's so tiring to push myself to get a high grades, to not let them go down, to always secure that I'm the highest among everyone.” mahina kong sabi “Pagod na pagod na ako. But I have to, so they won't make me feel like it's a sin to fail.”

I saw how he looked back at me on my peripheral view “I think it's how they love or maybe that's because they want their children to achieve a successful life?”

“Grabe! Ang sakit nilang magmahal ah!” sinubukang kong magbiro kahit panay ang patak ng luhang galing sa mata ko.

I don't think it's love. Hindi nananakit ang pag-ibig. But, if that's love, then I choose not to be in love.

Kinagat ko ang kumikibot kong ibabang labi “They said, a mother's love is the best love you can ever find, but why is my mom's love is making me miserable inside?” I asked him as if I could get an answer “Her will and people's pressure for me to make the most of something is ending me up in misery!”

Pagod na ako. Pagod na akong mabuhay sa paraang gusto nila. Pagod na akong mag-alala sa kung anong iisipin nila. Pagod na akong patunayan ang sarili ko. Pagod na akong pwersahin ang sarili ko sa kaya ko para hindi nila ako kwestyunin. Pero anong magagawa ko kung ito yung tanging paraan para hindi ako tignan ng mababa at walang kwenta?

“I wonder if there's any way to free myself?” mapait kong tanong.

He tilted his head “It's only you who can free yourself. You won't have the taste of freedom when you didn't break your cage in the first place”

“How am I supposed to do that when I can't find myself? When even I don't know myself? When I lose myself at the middle of the journey?” marahas kong pinunasan ang luha ko “Akala nila masaya. Akala nila madali. Akala nila I live in a perfect life. Without knowing how my mom would say 'Keep your grades up! And do better! It's just studies!”

Nagtagal pa kami roon ng ilang minuto bago mapagdesisyonang umuwi na dahil malamig na. Sya na ang nagdrive papuntang condo ko dahil naiwan nya na pala iyon sa pagmamadali.

“You sure you're already okay?” tanong nya ng maihatid ako sa lobby.

Sasagot na sana ako ng may biglang dumamba sa likod ko na dahilan kung bakit ako muntik ng mahulog.

“Ano ka ba?! Nag-alala kami sayo! San ka ba kasi galing?!” nag-aalalang salubong sakin ni Fiorie.

Si Lumi ay yakap na yakap sa akin at parang wala na atang balak bumitiw. Samantalang si Adie naman ay nasa gilid ni Lumi at nag-aalala ang tinging ipinupukol nya sa akin.

“Akala ko nakidnap ka na!” umiiyak na sabi ni Lumi.

Napatingin ako kay Raize na nakatayo lamang sa isang sulok at pinapanood lang kami. Siguro ay napansin rin ni Adie si Raize kaya inalok nya ito sa condo ko pero tumanggi na sya dahil may gagawin pa daw sya.