Girl Crush

Chapter 30

 Why didn't life let you know the moment before everything changed forever? If Dani had known, sitting in that van with Eddie, would be the last time before everything fell apart, she would have done things differently. She would have held him close to her one last time. She would have told him how much he meant to her, how she couldn't have gotten through the last five years of her life without him. She would have told him how meeting that pushy kid with the buzzcut that day had been the best thing that had ever happened to her. But that's not how life works. You don't get to know the moment before your whole world crashes down around you. She should know. No one gave her any warning before she lost her dad forever.

So, instead, she had been awkward and strange with him, hurt his feelings, caused those beautiful eyes that had brought her a feeling of safety all these years, to darken with uncertainty and sadness. This would be what she would have to live with for the rest of her life, what she would think about when something reminded her of the guy she lost. That look on his face that she had caused.

Dani gripped her mug of coffee, trying to ignore how much the beautiful brown color reminded her of Eddie's eyes. Jesus, she missed him so much, like one missed an arm or a kidney. When she'd told Robin that he was a part of her, she had meant that. And not in some metaphorical way but a very real way. She had never gone this long without seeing him. She had not seen his face in eleven days and it was burning a hole inside of her. How would she possibly go the rest of her life without seeing that beautiful face?

Her mom had agreed to leave early for her grandma's but only after a lot of begging. Once Dani had burst into uncontrollable sobs, screaming that she needed this break, her mom had looked terrified and relented. She'd hovered over her the whole time they'd been there until Dani had finally confessed everything to her. Her mom hadn't exactly been surprised by Dani's big confession. She'd seemed to have the same advice as Robin. Talk to him. She assured Dani that she didn't know how he felt and maybe he felt the same. It wasn't helpful.

She'd thought distance would help but instead of feeling relieved, it only made her feel more anxious. Eddie was her calm when a storm was raging inside her. He was the band-aid that made all of her hurts feel better. He was the sunshine that chased all the dark clouds away. Even though he was the reason her emotions were turbulent and wild, all she wanted was for him to wrap her in his arms and tell her it would all be okay. She felt lost at sea, being tossed among the waves, barely breaking the surface without her life preserver that had always been him.

She had been racking her brain all week for a way to twist this around, to convince him the song hadn't been about her pathetic unrequited love for him and her jealousy of Chrissy. She couldn't come up with a single excuse that made any sense. She had broken up with Steve and Steve wasn't seeing anyone yet so she couldn't claim it was about him. What was she supposed to do? Make up some crush on some random guy to try to explain it away? She'd already tried lying and forcing herself into a relationship and she knew how that ended. She couldn't lie anymore. It was exhausting trying to conceal the truth all the time.

Jesus. She had absolutely no clue how she was going to save them. Closing her eyes, she bowed her head, wishing someone would swoop in with a magic answer to all of her problems but there were no answers. She was heading back to school tomorrow and she was going to have to face her decisions head on, no matter what that meant.

Maybe it would be better. Just rip off the band-aid. If her and Eddie were going to crumble, then she was going to have to deal with it. She was going to have to find a way to move on without him. Whether it was today or a month from now, it wasn't going to hurt any less. Maybe it would be better to get it over with than to keep dreading it.

Robin had called while she was at her grandma's to tell her that Eddie had crashed her Thanksgiving to demand to know where Dani was. He'd apparently shown up at Family Video three more times, one time scaring the hell out of Steve when he grabbed him by the vest, screaming that he knew Steve knew something. And he had Dustin creeping around too, trying to figure out where she was. Robin had begged her to come home because Eddie was losing it. She said he'd looked worse than Dani had and smelled just as bad.