Making Dreamland

Fifty Four. I miss you.

Chapter Song- About You by the 1975

Avery-

45 days. I've been here 45 days today. Halfway. It's crazy to see how far I've come in 45 days. Today is a big day for me. I get to talk to Harry on the phone for 15 minutes later today. I'm nervous, excited, happy, scared, just about every emotion imaginable. Dr. Raines has told me that Harry is nervous as well. I'm lucky to have a doctor who has given me small tidbits about his communications with Harry along the way.

In my 45 days here there's been a huge change in me, not only mentally but physically as well. My eyes are clearer and back to their brightest blue that I've seen in quite some time. My skin has cleared, I have really taken a liking to Pilates and it's sculpted my body in a way that I never knew was possible.

The biggest change of all has been mentally. I no longer feel sorry for myself for all that has happened in the past. I feel strangely proud of it. I'm proud of all the battles I've endured and I'm proud that I made it through them. I no longer hate Sam, I pity him. I'm thankful that my journey with him ended as it did, when it did, because ultimately that led me on a path to Harry.

My dear Harry. I'm so thankful for him. I'm so proud of him. I'm amazed at how he kicked his addictions as he did without coming to a place like this. Everyone has their own way of dealing with things and his way worked for him. I know I needed this place to make it out on the other side of this. The anger I felt towards myself is gone. Anger over feeling like a failure for getting addicted in the first place. What happened, happened. I can't go back and change it, so I decided to move ahead and show gratitude for all of life's lessons, no matter how hard they've been.

The self loathing part of me is gone. I like myself much better now. I feel strong. I know my limits and I know that I have to show myself love and kindness first before I can give it to anyone else. I know that all relationships have boundaries and that we have to establish those boundaries in our own way in order to avoid burn out. It's ok to say no. It's ok to take some time for myself.

Forgiveness. I've learned to forgive. That's been a hard one. Forgiveness doesn't mean I'm going to strike up a friendship with those I forgive. It means that I love myself enough to let go of that anger and pain and the energy that drains my soul. I forgive Sam. I forgive Devon. I forgive myself.

I've really loved getting to know the teens in the east wing. After a few weeks I earned their trust and I found out they just wanted someone to talk to, they needed to feel like they were seen and heard and accepted for who they are. Bethany is almost done with her time here and last week she received a piece of mail that I was so excited to deliver to her. It arrived in an unmarked envelope with no return address. The postmark simply saying Los Angeles, California and she looked puzzled when I handed it to her. I shrugged my shoulders and hung around to watch her open it.

When she pulled out the picture she looked shocked. First came the shocked expression, then came the tears. I knew what was in the envelope but seeing her reaction brought tears to my own eyes. She thought I was crying over what was in the envelope. I'd written to Harry and told him about Bethany and her struggles and her little shrine to him on her bulletin board and how her sister would cut out photos of him from magazines and mail them to her for motivation.

"Avery!!! What? How? I can't even=oh my god I'm gonna pass out." She squealed.

"Let me see what's gotten you so excited." I wink at her.

I look closely at the photo of Harry from when he was working on Harry's House album. It's a shot of him in the studio focused and in his element. Just seeing his face brings more tears to my eyes. God I miss him. Bringing my focus back to the photo in black sharpie it's personalized.