The Look Of Knowledge

3. Two Kinds Of Happiness

PRESENT DAY

Julian saw her standing in the corner. He ran up to her before she could cross the street and grabbed her arm. Mika turned around and sighed. Only there he realized it was raining.
"Where are you going?" He asked.
"Where do you think?" She answered letting go of his grip and crossing the street. Julian started walking behind her. The night was quiet, probably because it was about 2 AM.
He kept walking fast behind her. Neither of them talked for a few blocks, until she gave up and turned around to face him, stopping his walk by placing her hands on his chest.
"Julian, stop" she ordered and he did. "You can't come with me" she continued, "you're gonna make it worse"
"Mika, it's already screwed up. I need to talk to you for two minutes, then you can go back to him and I will leave you alone."

They sat on a building door and he began talking.
"Since the first day I looked at you, that's all I've been able to do. Look at you. I was sure that taking someone else's lover is the worst thing a man can do. I fucking tried everything, I swear" Julian said.
"Still you shouldn't have..." Mika interrupted him but then Julian continued before she could finish her thought.
"Do you know what it is like, to love in complete fucking silence?! Loving you is the hardest and the easiest thing I've ever done, and the worst thing is I don't really wanna stop. I can't imagine myself not having you around to talk, listen to and shit. You make all the girls seem like idiotic brainless robots, I don't want any of 'em" He continued noticing she couldn't even glance at him. She stood there biting her lip as she observed the raindrops that were falling on her shoes.
He calmed himself, then sat by her side and placed his hand on her knee. She looked at it, noticing how big it was. He had long fingers.
"Just walk me through this" Julian said. He knew this wasn't something anyone could fix, but he'd been having it as a burden for years.
Mika turned her head to finally look at him, there he noticed she was crying.
"I can't" she stated. "If I start thinking more than I should I'll realize things I don't wanna know, I'd hurt Rich... And... If I don't think, then I'd hurt you. Nothing is fair"
She placed her hand on his, making his heart pound faster. The rush when someone you love is touching you.. Damn how do you properly describe it? Well you get that idea right? He was feeling it. Probably all this years she felt it too, maybe she felt it with Rich at some point.
She looked at Julian noticing everything a beautiful pair of eyes full of emotions have to say.
"I know..." she stopped to wipe her tears but found Julian's hand already on her cheek doing it for her. She grabbed his hand and slowly moved it away, but without letting go of it. "I know how it feels, Jules... Do you think I let you kiss me 'cause I was needy? I knew it was wrong and I wouldn't have done it if I didn't have feelings towards you" she said as she felt Julian's grip getting stronger. "But now I don't know what to do, I just feel like I don't care to do the right thing anymore, I want to be happy again, I'm only gonna live once after all. But at the same time, Rich has been so good to me, and how do I pay him? By falling for one of his fucking mates. I'm all he's got, he... he needs me Julian" tears filled her eyes again. He put his long arm around her and squeezed her tight against his chest.
"You can't take care of him forever, I mean he's not a kid anymore and you're not his mother. Like seriously he's put you through hell. I know that's not his intention but if he really does love you, he's gonna have to let you be happy"
Both of them knew that moment was probably gonna be the last time in a while they... well, just the last moment they share together. In a long time. Julian thought to himself:

"This could be the last time I hold her".

They remained silent for a few minutes, until she stood up.
"I have to go find Rich"
"I'll go with you" he said but she looked at him and then to the floor.
"No Jules, I'm sorry" then she turned around and started walking away.
"What are you gonna say to him?" He asked rather loudly for her to hear him and noticed as she turned around and mouthed "I don't know". Then she walked away as he asked himself if it was for good.