The Look Of Knowledge

25. The Man Who Played God

Julian

I haven't heard anything from Mika since she got into the cab. She replied to only one of my messages that same night with 'I can't call you right now'. It's been almost two days from that.

"What's that?" I asked Juliet who was on the other end of the phone after finding myself spaced out.

"I said that you can bring Cal home if you want, I just got here" Juliet repeated her words sweetly to me. I liked that about her, she was patient. "What is he doing?"

"Uh.." I turned to look at Cal playing on the rug with the toys I bought for him that same morning. "Still playing"

"Okay, have you eaten?" She asked. I sighed rubbing my right temple. I had a terrible headache.

"No, I haven't" I didn't have any grown up food in the house anymore.

"Figured. Okay, bring mama his baby, you can stay for dinner, I'm making pasta" Praise the lord and Juliet's homemade pasta.

"I love pasta" I claimed.

"I know, get your asses here" Juliet said and hung up.

That really lifted my mood, knowing that I was gonna eat actual food instead of everything I'd been consuming. I'm slightly ashamed to admit I was getting a little bit sick of pizza.

"Hey, little dude, are you done with those toys?" I asked my two year old son, knowing he wasn't really gonna answer, but I was supposed to talk to him to stimulate his brain to connect with the words and shit. Juliet made me read a ton of parenting books.

I picked him off the ground, he put his little hands on my shoulders and leaned his head on my chest. We spent like 3 hours playing on the garden so he was really tired. I would have loved to take him to the park but I was determined to try to keep him out of the public eye for as long as I could.

I grabbed my keys, checked my phone and slipped it into my pocket. I got Cal into the car and drove downtown to my old house, where I used to live.

I took my keys out of my pocket and hesitated for a second if I should just let myself in or knock but suddenly Juliet opened the door.

"I saw the lights of the car" She said peeking behind the wooden door. "Hey baby!" She extended her arms taking Cal from my arms. She always high-pitched her voice and gave one of the biggest smiles I've even seen whenever she held Cal. Except that time when he wouldn't stop crying.

He was barely a month old and Juliet was feeling sexy again, so we finally got it on. It was a really weird sensation because we were too tired but so fucking horny too. We slept like babies after that. Until Cal started crying.

"I'll go" Juliet said and stood up. She put on her panties again and a Pearl Jam shirt she got for me in one of their concerts. We had the crib in our room just in case so she took him in her arms and sat on the edge of our bed. I looked at the clock. 3:07 a.m. I don't know when exactly but I fell asleep again.

I felt something shaking my shoulder and woke up to Juliet's face staring at me. I wasn't really sure but she looked strange.

"Are you crying?" I asked squinting my eyes to see better. I quickly sat up. "What happened?"

"I- I don't know what's up with him, Julian. He won't stop crying, and I've tried everything!" She sobbed and covered her eyes with both her hands. I gazed at the clock again: 4:23 a.m.

"Shit, don't cry, babe" I said putting my arms around Juliet and kissed her temple. "I'm sorry, I got him now, go get some sleep" I stood up and took a crying Cal from his crib into my arms.

Juliet slipped into our bed and I sang freestyle to the baby for a few minutes until he fell asleep. So I carefully put him into the crib again and joined Juliet ready to fall into a deep slumber too. I put my left arm around her and took one of her hands.

Right in the second I was about to fall asleep I thought I felt Juliet's back spasm against my chest. I peeked over her shoulder to look at her.

"Are you okay?" I asked worried. But she did not answer. Instead I heard her sob again. I was used to it tho, since the pregnancy took it's toll on her but I thought she'd been dried out.

"My baby hates me" she said bursting into tears. I knew she would say something like that. Like I said, I read about a dozen parenting books before the baby arrived.

I stood up and surrounded the bed, then kneeled down on the other side, next to her.

"You know that's not true" I assured her.

"It is, and he's right! I can't even get him to feel secure enough to help him sleep, I- I'm a terrible mother" Something inside of me loved this side of Juliet deeply, the vulnerability and how clueless she was about the path she was taking.

I hugged and comforted her for a few minutes, making her understand she was the best mother Cal could have gotten. Then she fell asleep and I made sure she had a lot of time to rest.

I really did love her, but I wasn't in love. I could never pronounce it. 'I'm in love with Juliet'. It just felt so wrong to say it.

"Julian" she called out from upstairs making me space back into the moment. "Can you set the table?"

I did what I was told and waited for Juliet to come back. Normally I would have watched T.V. but I was too busy thinking and being amazed at how comfortable it still felt. That house was my safe place. I knew I could have came back and have a loving family anytime I wanted. It would have been a selfish thing to do though.

I checked my phone once again. It was still on vibration mode because I didn't and still don't understand shit about those devices.  No calls, no messages, no Mika.

"He's asleep" Juliet said running back down the stairs. I noticed she changed her jeans for a floral patterned skirt. That was a move, I knew it and she knew that I knew it.

"You look pretty" I complimented her as she walked over to me. Her eyebrows frowned at first, confused maybe.

"Oh, thanks" she replied. "You too I guess" she eyed my Martin Luther King t-shirt.

"Don't lie" I said, to which she laughed.

"You just look the same as always" she said in a more serious tone.

"We've been separated for just two months now" I pointed out to remind her it wasn't really such a long time.

"I know, but I figured you would look better, or relieved, I don't know"

"How do I look?" I asked curiously. I wasn't relieved I left my wife. I just chose something else for better or for worse.

"... Like shit" She admitted, but it just made me laugh, so she did too.

Then there was an uncomfortable silence and out of nowhere I reached out and kissed her.

I forgot she was so short.

•••••

SO BTW THE STROKES ARE BACK IN  THE STUDIO.