The Look Of Knowledge

15. Echoes Of My Old Self

Julian

I was about to speak my mind but my brain started overanalyzing things again about the right and wrong. Nobody ever told me life was so complicated because we made it that way all by ourselves.

You can have a simple life, I do realize that now, I just wish I had known it at that time. Instead of thinking that simpleness was blank and boring.

If I ever have a kid I'm gonna make sure of telling him everything he has to know about life, everything that parents forget to tell their children.

Like that life doesn't get better once you're on your feet. It really doesn't, maybe you'll make it big, or maybe you won't, it's really just a big ass Russian roulette.

You'll spin the thing. If there's no bullet the first time you shoot, you'll start believing in your luck and wanting more, because the feeling of doing something good is more powerful than most of the other feelings.

So you will keep spinning and spinning and pulling the trigger and winning, it's stronger than you. Then eventually the bullet will hit you. It can be the first time you spin it, the last time if you're lucky enough or whenever in between.

Everything is random.
So you really have to keep that in mind while you're playing. So you can enjoy the game and make the best out of it.

Be in the present.

That's what I would tell myself if I was right there, in that moment again.

Tell her it's completely normal, tell her you feel the same strange uncomfortable comfort. Confess and make it a comfortable comfort, share it.

Don't just say 'I like you'. That's what you think of Eddie Vedder. And you know you thought about it. You said it yourself a week ago while you were trying to sleep. Should I remind you? 'If I was next to her and Eddie Vedder, who would I choose to have a conversation with?' That's what you thought and I know after a hard battle you chose Eddie but I know too that at the moment you saw her again today you regretted that silly utopic decision.

And who else do you compare to Eddie Vedder other than her? Nobody. Lou Reed maybe, but that's it.

Now stop being silent and say what you fucking want to say, because you won't find another perfect moment and you'll be too damn scared to do it later.

That's what present Jules should have said to past Jules. But I was stupid and we still don't have real time machines that I know of. I think there is one in China though, but it's a total top secret thing I'm not supposed to know about.

Alright, however, I fucked up. I didn't really do anything wrong because we did have sex and she liked me and all but I could have made it last more than it lasted if I just said the words.

Though now that I think about it again, I'm not sure past Julian would have followed present Julian's advice. At the end it's still me in a different dimension, and I don't tend to follow my own advises. So the time travel would have just being completely in vain.

I don't know what I'm saying right now.

I stumbled across a river of thoughts but sadly tried my best to make a filter out of my brain.

"Mika.." I started "About what happened in-"

"Don't" she said raising one of her hands trying to make me stop as her face quickly changed. "Starting fresh, right?"

"Sorry, I just wanted to explain mysel-"

"Stop" she said as I sat up straight.

"Okay" I gave up. She stared at me squinting suspiciously like making sure I didn't say anything else about the subject. Once she felt satisfied with my silence, she proceeded to sip her beer.

"I like you too" I confessed looking out the window, then quickly hiding myself behind my bottle, emptying half of it.

"I know, Julian, I'm not 10" she said non-chantey, which surprised me a bit. Then she sighed and looked at me. "I wasn't just saying that I like you. I do like you, but I don't usually like people this fast. Hell, I don't even like people, that's why I'm finding this very hard to understand. And it frustrates me because it doesn't make sense"

She stood up from the table before I could say anything and left the kitchen. I noticed how taken back her words made me, like I couldn't speak, or breathe or do shit if she wasn't talking. I wanted her to keep talking. About us, about global warming, about why she's the way she is. I'm not gonna leave until we cover every possible subject.

I stood up and left the kitchen as well, the living room was dark, the lights were off and the only source of light came from the giant window overlooking the garden.

I headed to the window and saw her standing outside. Her left arm wrapped around her stomach and the other holding a smoke. She spotted me too and walked up to the window as well.

She mouthed something but I didn't quite get it. I noticed it was raining a little bit when she approached the glass and started writing something down with her finger.

I rested the side of my forehead on the cold damp glass to watch her. I examined her features carefully as she dragged her finger slowly on the other side.

Suddenly I felt like the glass and thought of how poetic glasses are. If you just think about it, if you put two people and a glass in the middle, but secretly, like, without telling them, they'll eventually find out they're actually separated. They'll want to touch each other if they really want to be with the other person.

But at the same time, there's couples that live together all their lives without knowing there's a glass in between them. And they don't notice, because they don't really have the need to know or touch each other, therefore, no need for them to know there's a glass in between.

I backed away to see what she wrote.

"Come out." It read. And so I did.

I fastwalked to the door from which I came in before. I was feeling a strange rush, like a weird connection between my brain and my legs. Move fast because she is going to disappear in space. That's what my brain thought was gonna happen.

She was there as soon as I walked through the door, waiting. Waiting for me.

You know those moments when you think 'alright, shit, I feel great right now. I want this to last'?

The fact I could get high on this feeling if I play the cards right is burning my head.