The Love They Never Had: The Nam Mansion

Chapter 38: Honlanseuleoun (Confusion)

I could only glare at her before trying to get back to sleep, but I couldn't stop thinking about how angry I got when Yeon told me about everything that she had been through in my home under my nose...after everything that girl had been through to prove her point earlier, and she still didn't hadn't broken down at all...just like I hadn't either. I knew she was resilient but not to this extent. The way that Hwi fussed over her, anyone would think that she was one of those weak-willed women who cried about anything and everything. But now that I think back...I don't think I've seen Yeon cry once in a decade. In fact, when she had her fits I would see her smiling just as widely afterwards or the next day like nothing happened at all! She wasn't weak...so why did I still get angry enough to not only defy my father for the first time in my life but I really rounded up all the servants and I had them flogged about 30 times each? And I know it sounds ridiculous, but I didn't really realise how...rich her eye colour was, or how soft her hair was when it brushed against my skin. It was a surprise that was for sure...and all I wanted to do was to examine her poorly but my damned servant kept on interrupting me...so I was justified in what I did. I think.

And Yeon had lost her memories, which meant she couldn't remember her crush on me so why...did she still smile at me like that? It wasn't; a general smile, or a pitiful smile like Hui-Jee always gave me so Yeon wasn't looking down on me just like she never did in the past. The fact that I couldn't decipher her look or know what she was thinking when she went out of her way to interact with me completely irritated me to no end and I had no idea why. But I guess...well she was my only person here in this miserable place, a person I knew for years who I sort of had to myself if my father hadn't threatened me with her safety if we got too close...just the thought of him tying to take this one thing away from me that I had made me more angrier than anything else he had put me through; the constant training until my fingers bled and my knees buckled, studying every book my father got me until I got headaches, managing my food for me and so on. I looked around me and I felt my dull walls closing in on me. I did what I could to keep Yeon safe but I also felt bad for locking her up in this place that was no less than a dungeon. But she made me smile, one of my first genuine smile in this home. I couldn't even remember the last time anyone thanked me for anything at all, not even Seo Hwi himself. I experienced that light feeling again as I made my way to the courtyard and I continued my training...but today I couldn't stop but looking around behind me in case I saw her again...
...and again. And again. In fact I kept looking out for a glimpse of her without even realising it. And watching her was giving me something to do in this miserable home, and it made me feel useful for probably the first time in my life. But I also had her safety to think about, so I assumed that I could stop at any time; what famous last words. It also took me a while to realise that I had even started staying home a lot more just so I had something to focus on, instead of chasing somebody who clearly wanted nothing to do with me and just getting drunk all evening for no reason. Her existence gave me purpose, and due to our previous relationship I knew all about her likes and dislikes before hand; even if her outward appearance had changed, her preferences, hobbies and thirst for knowledge hadn't changed at all. And before I knew it, we sort of began to exchange gifts and other items between us. I would send her my books and in return she would share the sweets she got from the marketplace with me and would leave it in my room in the most unlikeliest of places. I must have accumulated some good deeds in my past life to come across her in this one. But what could I do to make her fully trust me without gaining her memories back.

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"Is there a reason why you are here?" "I came to give you the testimonies of the last maids who are looking for an escape. What? Why are you staring at me like that." "You are more capable that I ever gave you credit for." "Obviously, I am..." "You were not like this before your memory loss . It is as though you have become a brand new person." "Is that a bad thing?" "I know this isn't easy for you to hear Yeonnie, but do not seek out your lost memories. You are living a much better life now than you could have ever imagined now rather than back then. Aren't you happy now?" "Something is missing, something that I cannot remember. I have a hole in my heart and mind that I cannot fill up because I lost my memories. It hurts. It makes me feel guilty and I have no idea why. It makes me cry and I feel like I owe someone, it is driving me crazy at this point. I cannot even sleep properly..." "I am sorry." "What for?" "That you are in so much pain." Seon-Ho was a lot of things, but I had never heard him sound so...sorrowful and guilty towards me, not like this. But what did that mean? Did he have something to do with what happened to me?