The Love They Never Had: The Nam Mansion

Chapter 71: Bujeong (Denial)

I couldn't believe what that stupid little bitch had done! What if my father had come in? He would most definitely recognise the scent, that was why I had hidden the bottle in the first place! I had just had a hard day in the palace as well as another endless row with my father about Hwi and all I wanted to do was to crawl into bed with a girl's ribbon and smell her perfume for a little while to relax. As the tension grew between Hwi and my father I had to distance myself even more from Yeon than I was already forced to and it was driving me to the brink of insanity when I knew that she was the only one in my life who would welcome me into her embrace with open arms every single time. I had never found myself craving anything more in my entire life, more than I did with Hui-Jee by far. She had even surpassed my feelings for the non-kisaeng girl, who now in hindsight, I recognised that it was nothing more than a fleeting crush, or something even less than that. The first woman I thought I had liked, teated me exactly the same way as my father and everybody else did, and she clearly belonged to somebody else. I must have temporarily lost my mind to have thought that I had any feelings for...or so I thought...or maybe I was just running away from somebody else who could be nothing more than a beautiful dream every day that my father had breath in his body.

So when I saw what that stupid maid had done to the only other thing I had in this home to myself, that I could touch, see and immerse myself with I could no longer contain my anger as I had began to see nothing but red before I proceeded to take out my anger on everything in my sight. I had for the first time completely lost my composure and I began to tear my room apart, not caring about the consequences for once. In fact there had been a change in me recently, a change that scared me to no end. I was gradually reaching my goals in the palace at the expense of a person who was once my only friend, the only person I had cared about most in this world alongside his sister. And with her in my home smiling at me everyday and giving me the comfort I had no choice but to reject was making the guilt I had all the more potent my guilt and hatred was. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep and I couldn't even think properly, and before I knew it I found myself suffocating in the walls I had built with my own hands this time. Hwi's life was in danger; the more he tried to rebel, which was also putting his sister's life in danger as well. Despite everything that had transpired between us I still loved him dearly and I knew that I could make up for what I had put him through in time. I was taking more care of him behind his back then I was spending time on my own plans, but Yeon...Yeon was different. I could not risk her life for anything in this world, even if I had to keep her away from me. But she was so good and understanding about it; which made me all the more angry. She liked me again, I know she did. I could feel it deep down in my bones, so why wasn't she more upset with me? Why didn't she resent me for all the distance I had put between us when I was the only person she knew who she could come to and knew everything about her life? Why didn't she confront me until now about what myself and my father were putting her through? Didn't she care about me enough? Had I done too much of a good job pushing her away, was that why she had stopped bringing me tea? Now that I thought about it, she hadn't come to see me in a long time now. But how should I approach her now after what I had done to her? I wasn't allowed to be there for her despite all of her struggles of fitting in her into my father's home which he had built upon sins and bloodshed and his world.

I had all of these thoughts build up into my mind as I tore up everything in my sight. All of his servants to tried to contain me all ended up getting hurt. I even made my way to the servant girl who had made me this angry in the first place and I almost got my hands around her throat until Yeon finally came burst in of all people. The worried look on her face calmed me down instantly as I felt she had transported me back to a time when she was would wait for us in our youths and fuss over us endlessly. It was a comfort that I had long forgotten and now that she was here in front of me I could completely relax; because whatever I was going through I knew she would always be there to balm my rage and worries with her care.