Love Out Loud

I knew it was you(Derek's POV)

Hi!,I hope you guys are good?sorry for late update,things are just peachy from my side, ahh,I feel like crying but nope,angels don't cry men!!!
Hmmmmm let's go

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I'm currently sitting on the hospital bed watching all the happiness floating around me,I smile as I watch my little Xavier flex his muscle and use Smith as a weight lift"put me the fuck down kid" Smith grumbled slapping Xavier gently on the arm"careful princess don't sprain your wrist"Smith looked totally shocked and was fighting to hide his blush,I sign at both of them

"Hey don't you dare princess me,I'm older than you are"he exclaimed"yeah yeah,but what I lack in age I made up with this muscles baby" Smith swallowed when he sees the little hair going down Xavier's Adonis belt,I hear him mutter"screw me now"before turning away to which Xavier replied"with pleasure baby,just wait until I'm out of uni, I'm gonna make sure you don't walk for a week"he's my son but how come he says profanities more than I do,I curse in my head and decided to save Smith who had his mouth wide open and seem rooted to the spot in shock"hey Xavier, don't say such words to him,come here"

My voice was still a bit hoarse and dry,but he heard my croak because he rushed towards me and threw his arms around me placing a kiss on my forehead,I roll my eyes at his tenderness"stop babying me Xavier"he shook his head smiling, making him so handsome with those cute dimples"Dad,I want him for my birthday, I'll be a good boy,let me keep him please?"he whispered into my ears and I clamped his mouth closed with my palm looking around to see if anyone heard him but judging by the look on Smith's face he probably heard and was as red as a chilli,I remove my hand from Xavier's mouth and smacked him lightly on the head shaking my head

Where did you even hear all this stuffs from?"he smiled evilly"I learnt from the best, Papa"he ran off before I could slap him, was he trying to label me as bad influence? Eric walks closer to me, smiling"are you ready to go home honey?"I nod and he pulls me up gently leading me to the door,the thing is I still cannot walk well,after being unconscious for three weeks I had to spend additional three weeks to be treated but right now I miss home so much and Eric told the doctor to come treat me at home instead,I don't know the reaction I was going to get at home, seeing the spot where I almost died but I promised myself I was going to recover from what ever trauma life has given to me and going there was a start for me

And I noticed Eric still hasn't been able to really look at me in the eyes,he avoids eye contact and body contact still, he's sweet,caring and loving as usual but it's different, it's like he's doing it with guilt,I don't know what happened but I'd promised myself to have a talk with him when I go back home, I'm lowered gently on the wheelchair and Eric pushed me out the door"you're very strong and determined Mr Derek, you've always been an inspiration to me the moment we met, I'm sorry but the way you fought is beyond me, I've not seen anyone fight death and win the way you've done countless times and that's why I'm telling you right now that you'll be fine,not because what happened to you is not big but because you're a fighter don't let anyone tell you differently okay, and I hope never to see you back in this hospital until after four years,so take care of yourself and be happy"

I smile with tears in my eyes hearing the doctor tell me this, Michael,the same doctor that has been treating me for a while now,I nod at him"Mr Eric, I'll be sending the masseuse or you could do it yourself, you'll have to massage his limbs back to life"Eric nodded"I'll do it myself,I don't want anyone seeing him naked"I kick him lightly on the foot"let the professional do their job baby at least on the legs,you can do the rest"reluctantly he agreed and we left the hospital, the drive home was quiet but peaceful, Eric holds my hand in his and brought it to his lips,we stayed that way for a long time and I noticed he still hasn't brought it down,he had a far away look in his eyes so I touched him gently

"Baby?"he flinched but smiled when he looked at me,tears swimming in his eyes,he looked at me,shook his head and a tear rolled down his cheek,I caught the stray tear in my fingers and looked into his eyes"hey baby,what's wrong?"but he just shook his head the more looking away in shame,I lifted his chin so he was looking at me me again"don't hide from me babe,tell me,please"I feel shattered as he hiccupped"my stupidity made me almost loose you,I...I saw you there in that tub,ice cold, lips blue,body pale and bleeding out,with an empty bottle of pills and I was the cause of it,I know you'll tell me not to worry because you're here now but I can't help the guilt that's been eating at me Derek,I feel dirty,stupid and useless,I almost made you loose your life...I..I.."I had to close his mouth with my finger on his lips,I move closer to him until my face was directly in front of him "Don't.please,the last thing I want is you feeling guilty,I should be the one to say sorry,I should never have attempted what I did, I'm so sorry you saw that image of me believe me I feel guilty you have those memories in your mind now but believe me I'm going to make sure I overwrite those memories with new lovely ones,I promise baby,I know you didn't mean to hurt me,I didn't realize it then but now I do,I still don't know why you did it but I want to believe you didn't know how else to deal with what ever you were going through,but now let's not keep secrets from each other again baby,ok?"

I wipe his eyes as more tears flow,I see him bite his lip before telling me something I already knew about"I was there first,that day in Ian's little play room,he promised me that....that...if..if.."I watch him swallow and look so scared before he shut his eyes and rushed the rest out"if I have sex with you first he was going to make sure no one else have you,but he lied to me,he promised he was gonna let you go if I did it,I swear I didn't want to do it,I would not have done it if I knew he was lying to me,I didn't....I...I."I didn't know why but I wasn't angry call me whatever name you want but my body soul and spirit belong to Eric,he could fuck me to Oblivion in front of the world and I would still love him,by now he's stuttering and trying to explain and defend his honor and love for me,I watch him sweating, by now he was full on blabbering so I shushed him and looked deep into his eyes smiling"hey calm down,it's okay"he looked at me in disbelief before shaking his head"no no no,you don't understand baby,I mean I..I..I raped you first,I...oh god, I'm sorry I didn't know it was a trap,you were unconscious and I..I took advantage of you,it's rape,it was done without your consent, I'm a monster,I was the first one to soil you,don't you understand?"

I signed getting tired, I don't know what his brain is made of,how can you call fucking your lover rape?can you even rape your lover? "yea I understand Honey"he sat up"I know this is not the right time to be saying this but why are you not slapping me,why are you not hitting me or cursing at me right now,why are you so calm?"I shake my head and hold his hands in mine"Eric love,I belong to you,you own me and everything I possess and you might not know this but that first time,I knew it was you"-"what?wait,what are you saying now?"I laugh at his bewildered expression"you see Ian had just injected me with the sedative,I was not fully unconscious yet, from the corner of my eyes I saw you guys argue,I saw the fight in your eyes when you came to me,I knew you did not want to do it,so I stayed calm and enjoyed it,how else do you think I was able to hold myself together to take the rest of the abuse?it was because you took me first"his mouth was wide open like a fish out of water"Do you know why I decided to end my life?it was because I thought you regretted it,I felt finally you felt dirty for having a person like me close to you"

I hugged him tightly and whispered into his ear "how did you know it was me?I took you for a very long time Derek,I feel so dirty right now,don't justify what I did please it was still wrong" I nod at him"you're right baby,but I'm not angry baby because my body knows you and even though I was loosing consciousness I knew it was you first,how? Simple because it felt like home ,don't hide things from me baby,tell me how you feel,so we don't have to misunderstand ourselves ever again ok?"he looked like he still had something to say but I kissed him instead,a brief but reassuring kiss to make him know I love him for life,I hear him cry on my shoulder and I knew I had to heal quickly for both of us

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So long!!!ah, didn't want to split it bear with me,this chapter his kind of rushed that's because I wrote it at work, forgive the mistake that you might find and bear with it even if it makes you cringe,love you💜💜💜