Ash is a fashion model, not by choice but the desire of his projecting mother. People think he's too cocky for his own good, judging him based on what he posts online. But Ash hates the brush he's been painted with, along with the stereotypes of the...
numb: (verb) 1. deprive of feelings or responsiveness
✣
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
My father died a few hours ago. They couldn't save him. After his first heart attack he had a second and his body no longer could keep up with the trauma that he was enduring.
All that drinking fucked with his body.
They told me about an hour ago and I've been in the hospital since. I saw the insides of the grieving room with light scented candles and motivational posters on the walls. They told me what happened to him but I could barely listen. Everything roared in my ears like lava.
They mention counselling and sessions I can attend to make my loss easier but I don't want any of that. I just want my life to get better now that I don't have to live in fear of a man that should have loved me.
He never loved me. He loathed me because I wasn't good enough.
But now he's dead. He's dead and I'm finally free of him.
I thought this moment would feel different to how I imagined it. Not necessarily throwing a street party for my sperm givers death but it's very bitter sweet. He's still my biological father even if he was an awful person who never wanted to accept me for who I am.
Although some people say blood doesn't mean family.
How can I class him as family when he treated me the way he did? I'll never understand why.
The doctor asks if there is anyone he can call so that I'm not alone but I know my mother isn't going to make it down quick enough to make this meeting. So I tell them not to bother and that I can deal with this myself.
I'm not sure if he was expecting me to cry for my father but my eyes are as dry as the desert. I doubt I'll ever cry again for that man and that's a relief to the system, I almost smile.
Fuck. This is so fucked up.
When I exit the hospital I loiter outside and decide to give my mother a ring. She'll probably appreciate knowing her abusive ex-husband is now dead and that her son is all alone and has no idea what to do with himself.
I wait as the line rings out, almost cutting off at the last second but she picks up. Slowly, I explain everything that happened to dad, she tells me that she'll be on the first plane or train down. Whatever is the quickest, I don't even protest because I haven't seen her in a couple of years.
Maybe seeing her might make me feel something. Anything. I'm tired of feeling this numb and dehumanised. What the fuck has that man done to me?
Even now after his death, I still feel useless.
I sit on the same bench Ash found me a couple of days ago. My phone still lays between my hands until I build up the courage to finally ring him after all of this. He answers on the first ring, I didn't expect anything less.
