Kapwa nanginginig ang mga kamay ko habang tinitipa ang numero ni Mommy sa aking telepono. I continue to scratch my skin... I scratch it till I'm bleeding. I cut my wrist as my hand was trembling and tears were streaming down my face.
Sa pangatlong ring ay sinagot na ni Mommy ang tawag.
''M-Mom...''
''I... I-I need you... c-can you come home?'' pakiusap ko sa maliit na maliit na boses.
''What is this again, Mila?!'' mas lalo kong sinugatan ang sarili nang sigawan ako ng sariling ina sa telepono.
''Ano na naman yan inaarte-arte mo? Alam mo ba kung anong oras na? Hating gabi na, Mila! Atsaka pa ilang taon ka na ba, huh?! Hindi ka na bata, Mila!''
''You're already 21!''
''I... I-I just really need a mother... even for once... I'm s-sorry to bother you, mom... p-pasensya na talaga...'' mabilis kong pinatay ang tawag.
Marahas kong sinugatan ang sarili habang umiiyak. Wala na akong pakialam kung magkalat pa ang sarili kong dugo sa sahig. Mas lalo kong kinalmot ang balat ko hanggang magsugat ito. I tried to call my dad. The first three rings, he answered.
''H-Hello po?'' isang batang babae ang sumagot sa tawag.
''Honey, who is it?'' I heard my dad's voice in the background.
''I don't know po... no one is answering naman po, eh... h-hello po?''
''Give me the phone, sweetheart.''
''Here, daddy!''
''Hello?''
I felt a lump on my throat... My breath hitched. I swallowed hard. ''D-Daddy... it's me... M-Mila...''
''Mila? Who is she po, daddy? Why does she call you daddy din po like me and Ate Isla?'' narinig kong tanong ng batang babae sa kabilang linya.
''Wrong number lang yata, sweetheart. Halika, let's go to your room na at gabing-gabi na; you should sleep by now,'' mariin kong kinagat ang aking ibabang labi sa sinabi ng sariling ama.
''But I heard it, daddy! She called you daddy din po!''
''It's nothing, sweetheart. Nagkamali lang. Halika na, matulog ka na.''
Nang patayin nito ang tawag ay mas lalo lamang bumuhos ang mga luha ko habang sinusugatan ang aking sarili... I started to deepen the cut in my wrist until I couldn't feel any pain... until my blood soaked into my skin... until I felt numb from all of these.
Sabi nila ang depresyon ay gagawa lamang ng utak natin... na kaya lang tayo malungkot dahil iniisip natin na malungkot tayo. Para sa iba ang depresyon ay isa lamang kaartehan pero hindi alam ng marami sa atin ang depresyon ay traydor... One minute you're happy—you're laughing with your friends, then a minute later you just wanted to end everything... to put an end to whatever pain you suffered.
Pero bakit ganun? Kapag pinili mong tapusin na ang lahat... kapag tuluyan ka ng napagod sa lahat... doon lang sila magsisimulang magkaroon ng pakialam sayo.
Iiyakan ka nila at pagsisisihan... pero noong mga panahon kailangan na kailangan mo sila... ni isa sa kanila... walang nakinig sa hinaing mo... kailanman ay hindi ka nila pinakinggan. Dahil ang tingin nila sa depresyon ay isa lamang kaartehan... kaartehan na gawa-gawa lamang ng isip mo... pero bakit parang gusto kong magkaroon ng ganitong klase ng karamdaman?
Ang mga tao sa paligid mo ay magsisimula lang magkaroon ng pakialam sayo... kapag tuluyan mo ng tinapos ang lahat... kung kailan huli na... kung kailan pagod ka na... doon ka lang nila papakinggan... doon lang sila magsisimula magkaroon ng pakialam sayo.
Nobody gives a damn about you unless you are dead, and that's the harsh truth of reality.
Ika-ika kong tinakbo ang kagubatan... nakayapak at halos puro galos ang aking mga balat. Wala akong ibang makita kung hindi puro puno... hindi ko alam kung nasaan ako. Kahit hirap ay pinilit kong tumakas... pinilit kong tumakbo. I kept running even though I had no idea where I was going; even though I had no idea why I was running in the first place, I realized I was running away from my past memory. I was running from my 10-year-old self, and this is her future—the shattered promise of tomorrow that I once promised to myself... I continue to run... I felt ashamed of the little me—ashamed that our future crumbled.
Niyakap ko ang sarili at nagtago sa damuhan. Mariin kong tinakpan ang aking bibig kasabay nang sunod-sunod na paglandas ng aking mga luha. Humagulgol ako sa aking sarili. Kapwa nanginginig ang mga balikat ko dahil sa sobrang paghikbi habang ang mga kamay ko nasaking bibig... takot na baka may makarinig sa aking mga iyak.
I was only 10 years old... I made a promise to myself—the promise of tomorrow— but it began to shatter as I grew up. I started to lose everything, including myself. The bright future we once dreamed of... it all went black now. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of despair and hopelessness, with no way out. It was as if the world had turned against me, leaving me with nothing but darkness and emptiness.
Hinahabol nila ako... hinahabol ako ng mga alaalang pilit kong tinatakasan.
I was only 13 years old. I was a kid who dreamed of a bright future. I was a kid who viewed life as magical... an innocent kid who had a limitless imagination, who was free from her thoughts, when my own relatives forced me... I was still a kid back then, yet my own relative took away my innocence. He forced me to do things beyond my control... He molested me... sa murang edad ay nadungisan ang musmos kong isip.
My eyes drifted to the fresh cut in my wrist. My blood is pouring into the ground... I felt numb. So, this is it? This is the end of my suffering. Am I going to hell for being selfish? Or will God allow me to rest with him? I wanted to rest, to end everything. Exhausted is not even a word to describe what I felt... I just want to end everything. I stood up in the wooden chair as my grip on the rope tightened.
I put the rope around my neck, then a smile flashed into my pale lips... for the first time, I managed to smile, not for anyone... but for myself... I smiled and closed my eyes... as I am ready to welcome my own death.
I welcome death with a gun in my head, blood in my hand, and bruises in my body.
Mahigpit ang hawak ko sa lubid... ramdam ko rin nasusugatan na ang leeg ko. I could finally rest, right? I could finally be free from all of these... I could finally be free from anything that made me suffer... After this, I am at peace, right?
''L-Lord... I'm so-sorry... I'm really, really sorry if I couldn't wait for my time... I'm so sorry if I had to end everything now... You will accept me there, right?'' I pray harder as I'm getting numb from all of the pain I've been through.
I was ready to go... to leave everything behind when I heard a nonstop knock on my apartment, and then I started to see my younger version of me... She's smiling brightly at me and wearing a red dress. She gripped her dress and twirled like a princess... She looked so happy... Tears began to stream down my cheeks... I cried harder with the thought that no one could actually save me... It's only I who can save me from these.
Inalis ko ang lubid sa aking leeg. Bumaba ako sa kahoy na upuan at mas lalo pang umiyak. Gamit ang aking palad ay tinakpan ko ang mukha ko... I cried harder as I felt sorry for my 10-year-old self... This is not the tomorrow we promised each other.
Tumagal ang tingin ko sa aking palapulsuhan... napupuno ito ng mga sugat at galos na natamo ko mula sa aking sarili.
They said that as children, we are free. Our imaginations are fearless and limitless; they're always beyond our limits. We view life as magical, but then as we grow up, we realize how mentally abusive life is—how life started to be a survival for each one of us. It's funny to think that when we were younger, we were so eager to grow up, and now that we're adults, we just want to be kids again—a kid who doesn't care about anything—a kid who's full of hope.
