𝐁𝐑𝐄𝐄𝐙𝐄𝐁𝐋𝐎𝐂𝐊𝐒; 𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐭𝐬

the things i can't tell you when you're sober

ships - charmac (charlie kelly and mac qmcdonald)

fandoms - it's always sunny in philadelphia

warnings - angst, internalised homophobia, crying

mac was drunk, too drunk to remember anything so charlie just talks.. tells him everything

—

charlie sat on macs bed, with beer and a pizza watching some random action movie that mac had picked out, as mac lay down staring up at the ceiling already drunk out of his mind, and god charlie wishes he could be drunk because if he was drunk and the thoughts in his head come spilling out he wouldn't have to remember and mac wouldn't either so they could stay normal..

but no matter how much charlie wants to be drunk he couldn't seem to get it, he stares blankly at the tv for a moment not even paying action to whatever is happening or being said, then he looks down to mac who is looking at him, and charlie smiles down at his best friend.

"how much have you had man?" charlie asked chuckling,

mac looks at the bottle in his hand then back to charlie, "mh not much.. six seven- some at
the bar too" he takes a swig of what was left in his bottle before grabbing another. "why? much have you had?"

charlie just shakes his head, "not enough" he laughs and mac does too and god he wants to hear macs stupid drunken laugh forever, charlie
just wants to be with mac forever, listening to him talk about whatever, watching him do whatever and god charlie wishes he was drunk right now, but mac- mac was drunk and he was too drunk to remember anything so if charlie just talks- tells him everything and gets these stupid feelings off his chest once and for all maybe he'll be fine and could stop pining over someone whose never going to feel the same way- or at least not let themselves feel that way.

charlie takes a swig out of the almost forgotten beer in his hand and lets out a sigh, "mac.." charlie says quietly

"yea" mac replied looking up at his friend and charlie looks at him, macs eyes were soft and half-lidded and he had a stupid small grin on his face and he was beautiful, mac was always beautiful.

"dude fuck i- i have so much fucking feelings and don't know how to express them or- or how to tell you even though it's eating me alive and has been for like ever and it should be simple but fuck!" charlie says and it should be simple but it isn't it never is with him or mac

"m'got a lot of feelings too char" mac says, and charlie shakes his head, "not like that man.. i- i've got a lot of feelings for you- so much damn feelings to the point it hurts not that it hasn't before but god it hurts to the point where i feel i'm drowning in a pool of emotions and i hate that"

"what'd you mean?" mac asked

charlie chuckled because even drunk mac still isn't getting it, "fuck dude" he sighs "i'm.. i- i love you" he finally tells mac, and mac just stares up at charlie confused "love you too char"

charlie wants to scream because god don't make him say it again "no i'm in love with you- i want to be with you and- and i know you think it's wrong but fuck mac i love you.."

"i love you too char," mac says again, "wanna be with you but" charlie almost laughs he wants to hit mac wants to punch him in the face for saying this shit when he's not gonna remember it.

"yeah, i know.. but you can't because it's a sin, and because being with a man- being with me will disappoint your dad and god right? even though you love me, and want to be with me you can't.. you won't"

mac doesn't reply for a second "yeah.." he finally tells charlie

"fuck mac you know sometimes i hate you so fucking much," he says as he lets out a shaky breath realising he has started crying "i hate you because you do this to yourself you won't let yourself be happy no matter how bad you want it"

"m' happy.."

"no, you aren't mac! you're as miserable as i am.. i just wish- wish you would finally be mac.. and not some version of yourself that your dad or the bible told you to be because if you weren't exactly that you aren't good, i just want you to be you, i want you finally to be out so you wouldn't feel guilty or whatever about loving another man.. i wish you didn't have to be drunk for me to tell you all this."

macs sitting up now as he moves closer to the other he pulls charlie into a half embrace and lays his head on his shoulder "'m sorry i'm like this.." macs says and charlie lets out a shaky laugh "no dude don't say that that's just going to make me feel worse"

so mac didn't say anything not sure what else to say as charlie spoke again, "fuck mac.. i wish you could love me and not care about god your dad or what anyone thought but us. wish you would just let yourself feel what you want to without guilt or self-hatred, wish i could make things better and make you stop feeling like this, i wish i could make you happy enough that it did"

"you do make me happy," mac says fully hugging the other now and charlie just buries his face into macs should as his body begins to shake as he lets out soft sobs.

"fuck i- you can't you" charlie lets out and macs rubs circles into charlies back trying to soothe the other as best he can while drunk, he then places a kiss on the side of charlies head and charlie just begins to cry louder

"mac.. i love you. i love you so fucking much man" charlie says into macs shoulder.

"'i know char.. i know- i love you too"

"i wish you were sober so you would mean that so you'd remember it,"  charlie says as he pulls back so he's looking at mac now, "but you're not.. and you're not gonna remember any of this and i am and i'm still gonna have to live with these stupid feelings until you finally let yourself be you"

charlie just smiles weakly at mac, "that's okay though.. because i'll still love you no matter what or how long it takes you to come to terms with whatever it is you have to, i'll love you"

and even though it hurts charlie to love his best friend in silence it's true it's always been true, he knows mac someday will finally be able to be who he is and will finally accept his feelings and charlie will be here waiting for him with open arms ready to love him like he deserves.

—
sorry if this is shitty first fic since like november and fist sunny fic in like 1 or 2 years :,)

but anyway hope you liked this

also should i post this on ao3? none of my other sunny fics are on there but i think this one is good enough to go on there :)