Ruby Laswell x Ghost (Vol. 2-4) Shattered Souls/Bandaged Bruises/Sinful Souls

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My sanity is losing. I no longer felt as though my identity was truly mine.

Who was I?

Was I Ruby Laswell?

Phoenix?

Valentina Makarov?

So many alibis, yet they all derive from one common ancestor: trauma.

I wish I could look in the mirror and see myself as one person. But I don't- and I never will.

"Ruby."

I snap out of my trance, and look over to see Ghost staring at me with the same intent he always does. I look at the supplies in my hand, rubbing my eyes and shaking my head. It was surely the hangover- I had to at least still be a little buzzed. My brain and body was never used to intaking so much liquid courage.

"Phoenix. It's Phoenix now." I correct.

"Why."

"Because, Ghost. I needed a change. Not like you didn't help with that." I turn around, zipping uo my bag as I stuff MREs and clothes together.

"I had to—"

"Didn't I say not to talk to me?" I turn around, looking him dead in the eye.

"Don't be childish," he says with a sarcastic tone.

"Me?" I laugh, standing up and walking towards his intimidating figure. He looks down at me, his stance unmoving. "You're the childish one." I jab a finger into his chest.

"Says the girl you gets plastered and tries to drown in the ocean," he retorts.

"Says the guy who abandons someone be supposedly cares about all because he can't man up to his feelings."

"Says the girl who can't move on."

"Says the guy who acts like a dick."

"You liked it though, didn't you?"

"Ugh!" I yell and slam my foot on the ground, looking to everyone give us concerning glances.

I look down at the ground, pinching the bridge of my nose with my index finger and thumb.

"Hey you okay, guys?" Soap walks over, his hand laying on my shoulder.

I look to him then to Ghost. "Yeah, Peachy. Let's just get this fucking over with, yeah?" I sigh, turning around, grabbing my duffel and swinging it over my already aching shoulder.

He always knew how to get under my skin, and it was something I've grown accustomed to. But now? He was barely tolerable. I felt as though I was breathing in tear gas whenever I was within a mile radius from him. But it also lit my stomach aflame inside, but not in the way that resembled amber or hatred.

"Yo, Phoenix." Soap comes up to me, jogging and leaning into the distance between us. "You and Ghost okay there? I'm sensing some.. tension." He says rubbing the back of his head.

"Yeah, no. I'm fine, Soap. I promise. I'm just ready to get this over with.. you know?" I offer a smile, but I knew he wasn't even coming close to buying it.

"You know I can tell when you're lying right?" He asks with an eyebrow raised.

We leave the building, the outside midnight air hitting us in the face. It nips at my cheeks as I breathe in the crisp atmosphere.

"So, you excited to snipe on the field again?"

"Don't change the subject, Phoenix."

"And don't try to barge in on my feelings like a therapist," I argue with a smirk.

"That's fair." He says with a nod.

But then I remember that night at the bar, Soap was talking to me and mid conversation he was interrupted. It seemed important though.

"Hey, uh- before things were rudely interrupted last night. What were you saying?"

"Oh-" he rubs the back of his head, a nervous habit I've noticed. He looks at the ground then to me, sighing. "I can't seem to find it."

"Bluff." I cross my arms

"You say?" He laughs shaking his head. "I can't say."

"Why not."

"Because."

"Cause why?"

"Because shit happens and that's not what we are here for."

"The hell?" I whisper. I look back up to Soap, but I see him look at me as if he's never met me before.

Then, suddenly, the distance closes between us. His gloved hands grab either side of my face, bringing me into him swiftly and softly as he slightly kneels down to meet my height. Our lips begin to mesh, and within five seconds, we were released.

My stomach lights up. Whether it be because of the lack of emotional and physical connection or the desire for lust, I wasn't sure.

This is what he wanted to tell me the other night. How he felt. How close we have gotten, especially since Ghost left. Like old times.

"Soap-" he steps back, holding a hand up and smiling.

"It won't happen again. I just. I had to."

"I'm not saying-"

"Ghost is here. We can't do this." He says.

"And?" I ask flailing my arms out. "Am I not my own individual person?" I scoff.

"No, no.. you are. I just know. I know it won't work, but I-" he pauses, looking up at the sky. "I want it to. And I know it won't; which I have to accept. After Ghost returned, I knew. And I just needed the closure. I thought maybe if I kissed you I could be content with it."

"And are you?" I ask looking up to him.

"No.." he says silently. "I just.. I've seen you hurt. I wasn't planning on feeling this way. But it just happened, Phoenix. It fucking happened. Again and again."

Again and again?

"Soap, I... I don't really know what to say." I sigh. I wish I did, but I didn't. My lips tingle at the feeling of his, and I bring my fingertips up to touch them.

It was difficult. Soap was my best friend. My partner in crime. He wasn't someone I've never felt a desire or a fiery passion for. And it wasn't him, it was me. He was a good man. A man that stems from a good past, which I knew- and know I will never deserve.

"It's okay, just don't worry about it. Alright?" He puts a hand on my shoulder, rubbing it with his thumb.

I wrap my arms around my waist as I stand frozen, unable to say any more words as he walks away to load up the boat. Then, I see something dark peering in the corner, daggers shooting through my chest.

Fuck.

And suddenly, this mission was going to be way worse than Las Almas and Russia combined- I felt it.