Darling

Chapter Nine

I dramatically threw myself on my bed once I entered my dorm. I really needed to lie down after the day I have had. I stared up at the ceiling with the widest grin I have ever had. I finally knew marshmallow peep's name! Jayce, goodness it has such a nice ring to it. I sighed while I looked down at my arm. What was wrong with me? I have a soulmate. I have an incredible soulmate, someone who I am destined to be with, and yet here I am laying in bed thinking about another guy. What was wrong with me? My soulmate deserves better than me. My soulmate deserves the entire world and yet he is stuck with someone like me. I sat up in my bed and grabbed the pen that I have been keeping next to my bed since the night prior. I looked down at my arm and decided I should at least reassure this perfect boy. The last words written on my arm were his declaration that he was a guy and I just now realized that he does not know how happy I was with this declaration. I need him to know that I choose him, plus I would love to know his name. I would love to know everything about him. I would love for him to feel comfortable around me. I grabbed the pen and started writing and hoping that he would answer me. 

'I choose you, darling. I am sorry if I gave you the impression that I wouldn't but I do. I did not mean to call you a girl nor did I intend to make you think that I would ever not choose you. Could I know your name now?' I wrote and then laid back down on my bed before sighing. I really hope he understands what I was trying to say. I really hope he answers me and I really hope he gives me his name. I would love to put a name on the one person I am destined to be with. I also wish to find him. I would love to meet him. I lay there for what felt like hours just thinking about my soulmate and Jayce. I would never admit this to anyone but maybe this whole soulmate thing is completely wack because who's to say I am only destined for one person? How do I even know this soulmate is my true love? What if Jayce is my true love? Why would the universe place Jayce in my path when it knew I could never be with him? Why is the universe so mean? My eyes started to close while I imagined what it would truly be like to be with my soulmate while I frowned. Why hadn't he written anything back? It had been an hour, is he busy? Does he hate me? Did I really fuck this up? Why do I always fuck everything up? I'm so stupid. I decided that I would ask him if he hated me. I was feeling really insecure right now. 

'Darling? Do you hate me?' I wrote before waiting for his answer. I could not explain why I always seem to call him darling but the term has always been one of endearment when my aunt would use it so I felt it was fitting for the man who is my soulmate. 

'I don't hate you' My eyes lit up at the answer. He answered me! He's not mad at me. Thank goodness. I could not understand why he was not mad at me since I would be mad if I was him. I am mad at myself. I am a terrible soulmate. I decided to look on the bright side of things. 

'You replied! 😄 So you aren't mad at me?'  I could not believe how much of a loser I sounded like right now. I have never cared this much about how someone thinks of me. Well, actually that is a lie. I always care what others think but I have never been vocal about with those people. I must really feel comfortable with my soulmate. Ah, I just wish he would tell me his name already! My vulnerability was shocking and it was even more shocking when I decided to reveal one of my darkest secrets. 

'When I read that you were in fact not a girl, the little middle school boy inside me was happy. I had not realized until that moment how badly I was hiding in the closet. I knew that I was but I had never thought about it. Being into men was considered not normal back then and so I pushed that side away and pretended to be into girls. You being my soulmate made the most sense darling, you are everything I have ever wanted' I wrote down exactly how I felt. I had decided that I would prove myself to him. I wished desperately that he would believe that I indeed would choose him. He is my soulmate, how could I not choose him? I waited anxiously for his reply. I had never been this honest with someone before. Was this a mistake? Would he now judge me? Did I just fuck up once again? Goodness, I hated this insecurity. Why did I always have to be so insecure?  

'You do know that I am glad that you are my soulmate right? I know I have not really told you that and I know that we have started a bit rocky but I wouldn't change this. Honestly, before yesterday I did not even know soulmates were a thing but I am glad you exist. I am sorry for being so standoffish' I read the words that appeared on my arm and I couldn't stop the gentle smile that graced my lips. My soulmate was being sweet. He was being vulnerable and open with me for the first time since we found each other. Maybe this was how he was in the later hours of the night or maybe he finally trusted me but I would not complain. Maybe he would finally give me his name. 

'Darling, can I know your name now?' I asked him gently. I really hope he trusted me enough to let me find him. I would love nothing more than to simply know who I was destined to be with. 

'But then you wouldn't have an excuse to call me darling' I read the words and I chuckled. He likes when I call him darling. That's a win. He was also being really playful. This was really good. 

'I promise I will still call you darling even if I know your name' I wrote back with a giant grin. I'm this close to finding out his name. 

'I am heading to bed for the night. I'll talk to you tomorrow but I will leave you with this. My name starts with J' I read the words with wide eyes. He was just leaving me like that! Did I do something wrong? Did I kill the playful vibes? I sighed and quieted my insecurities. He had told me the first letter, I could live with that. Now, who could he be? 

***

I woke up the next morning and rushed to the one place I knew Jayce would be. I quickly left my dorm and rushed to the library. I needed to find him. When I went to bed last night, I was way too excited to sleep. My soulmate had told me his name! Well, he told me the first letter and that was something that I would take with me. I came to the realization last night that Jayce's name starts with a J. Could he be my soulmate?! I needed to ask him about it or at least tell him about my excitement because I wished to share everything with him. I could not be certain about my hunch. What if he already found his soulmate? There was no way it was me but I could at least ask him about it. I rushed toward the library's doors and almost ran face-first into them before looking around the room. I looked over to the corner I would normally find the pink-haired girl sitting at and my eyes lit up when I saw Jayce sitting there talking with his friends. I rushed over and I could only assume the other two saw me by the way Jayce turned my way before I was even at the table. I stopped in my tracks momentarily. Goodness, I had somehow forgotten exactly how adorable he looked. Fuck. Focus.

"My soulmate told me his name!" I exclaimed without even thinking while catching my breath. I could not help but notice the look the blue-haired boy gave Jayce before the shorter boy smiled gently at me. 

"Really? That's amazing!" He exclaimed happily and I studied his expression carefully. He seemed really happy for me but I needed to know the answer to my question. Was it him?

"Yeah! He said his name started with a J so I have to ask. Are you my soulmate?" I asked the adorable boy whose smile turned to a sympathetic look. My face fell at his reaction. Was he, not my soulmate? Fuck this was embarrassing. I noticed his friends watching us, waiting for Jayce to say something. Fuck this really was embarrassing. 

"Oh, I'm sorry Ky. I really do hope you find your soulmate" My heart broke at this answer. Jayce must have already found his soulmate. Well, at least I could now try to put any feelings I had for Jayce away and focus on my soulmate. I tried my hardest to mask my sadness with a smile and I could only assume that it worked since nobody seemed to question it. 

"That's cool! I really hope I can find him" I said casually while grinning and decided that maybe I should introduce myself to his friends. This has been such an embarrassing morning. 

It's only chapter nine so I couldn't have them getting together already could I? I really do feel bad for Ky. Jayce chose to lie to him because he is still doubting that Ky would want him as his soulmate and I feel bad for Ky. He was really excited that Jayce may be his soulmate and then was completely crushed by him. I wonder what will happen in Jayce's POV. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter and this book. 

~Jess