✓ LOVE TRIAL | HEESEUNG

20 - Echoes Of Trauma

Heeseung's POV

Baek Y/N is a fucking menace. Her mere presence is enough distraction and I find myself wanting her more and more. It's fucking with my brain and heart and it's nearly making me go insane. I know I can't let myself get too caught up in her. She's just a distraction, and I have goals I need to achieve. I can't let myself get sidetracked by a woman, no matter how alluring she may be. And yet, every time she talks to me, laughs, or touches me, I feel myself falling deeper and deeper under her spell. It's like I'm under her control and I can't break free.

"Am I going to be okay?" The way her hips move while she walks in front of me is so fucking beautiful and the fact that she doesn't even realize it makes me more frustrated. This woman is driving me insane.

"Je Chul is nice." I cock an eyebrow at her before I knock on his door, looking at her fidgeting with her fingers. And when I hear his voice, I open the door and usher her to step inside.

"Heeseung," The old wrinkly smile warms my cold heart and I watch as his gaze darts to Y/N. "Ms. Baek."

"Hello, sir." I close the door behind me while she rushes to shake his hand, making me smile at how she effortlessly charms him too. It's as if she has a way of melting even the coldest of hearts, and I can't help but wonder how she manages to do it. "I've heard you asked about me. I'm Baek Y/N, it's a pleasure to meet you."

"The pleasure is all mine. It's nice to finally match a face to a name." He smiles and offers her a seat while I sit across from them. "Heeseung has been talking about you quite a lot."

"Oh, for fuck's sake-"

"Heeseung!" She hisses and looks at me in disbelief, making me roll my eyes. Je Chil has seen my worst sides way before, cursing is nothing compared to what he witnessed.

"Don't worry, I've heard it all from him, no surprises there." I smile at that. Je Chul is one of the few people I know who can handle my temperament without batting an eye. He's been a mentor to me ever since I started in this business, and I owe him a lot. He's the father I wasn't given, the one who could make me move on slightly from the pitch-black hole I was in some time ago. The thought sends a shiver down my spine but I clear my voice, reminding myself that those days were over. Nothing can hurt me anymore.

Minutes pass while I watch the two of them chat as if I wasn't there. It somehow makes me feel content that he likes Y/N. They're talking about her former job and I can see her eyes sparkle whenever she mentions the coffee shop. It almost seems as if her heart is attached to that place and its people. I'm suddenly curious about her, about her life, what she likes, the people she loves, the things she hates, her love life... Did I ever ask if she had a boyfriend to begin with?

Realization hits me, and it dawns on me that I know nothing about her. Perhaps her favorite perfume and the way she melts into my arms whenever I kiss her. But nothing else comes to my mind other than her body against mine or the softness of her lips when they touch mine. Isn't that what I want? Make her a mere distraction with no strings attached? I tell myself this is what I want when deep down I'm just scared to have someone close again. Let someone into my life until they have the chance to break me and walk over me like some worthless piece of shit. It happened once but I'm not letting it happen again. I'd rather be the one everyone hates than the one someone can hurt.

"Heeseung," Her voice snaps me out of my trance and I look up at her, the way her eyes stare into mine making me feel sick. Was I so out of it? "We should go." When I glance at Je Chul, he nods at me and smiles knowingly. He's the only one to whom I can tell my deepest feelings. He knows about whatever contradictions I'm feeling because of her but his advice won't do me any good.

Follow your heart, he says. I did once and it took all of me. I'm not planning to be the same pathetic guy again.

I stand up from my seat and step out of the office while I hear her footsteps behind me. I don't find it in me to look at her or talk to her, yet the way I feel her gaze on me makes me want to stop and pin her to the nearest wall. "Are you-" She's about to speak, but I interrupt her mid-sentence. Now that I look at her, there's a look of hurt and confusion in her eyes and I don't know where it's coming from.

"You can go back home. I won't need you today." The way her face falls at my words makes me realize that I'm the biggest asshole she'd ever meet, yet I can't do it. I can't be good to her. I can be anything but good to her.

"What's wrong?" Her voice is wavering and I feel the frustration and guilt build up, making me run my fingers through my hair and let out a heavy sigh. "Seriously, what's going on-"

"I said you can go." When I raise my voice at her, it echoes through the empty corridor and my mind, reminding me of how much of a dick I am. I can feel my heart racing inside my chest, and my breathing is becoming shallow and erratic. I know damn well that I've messed up, yet I can't seem to control the overwhelming emotions I'm feeling and everything starts to feel blurry.

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

My body feels like it's on fire, my muscles tense and trembling. My hands are shaking uncontrollably, and I can't seem to calm them down no matter how hard I try. Fucking please, not now. The sweat begins to bead on my forehead, and my heart is pounding so hard I can feel it in my ears. I'm trying to focus on my breathing, but it feels like my chest is being squeezed tight by a vice. Every time I close my eyes, I'm back to being the child in the basement, the boy at his mother's grave, and the man on his knees.

I can hear the shouting, the sound of glass breaking, and the smell of alcohol and cigarettes in the air. I can feel the fear, the helplessness, the desperation. I can see his face, twisted with anger and hatred, as he lashed out at me again and again. I'm suffocating like I'm trapped in this nightmare with no escape. It's like a monster that lives inside of me, always waiting to rear its ugly head when I least expect it.

A hand rests on my shoulder, and I flinch away, my heart racing even faster. I hear a muffled voice, but I can't make out the words. Everything sounds distorted and far away. I want to get out. I can feel myself starting to hyperventilate. I need to get out of here, away from the memories that are suffocating me. But my body is frozen in place, and I can't move.

"I'm sorry... It's all my fault." My voice is choked with sobs when I feel her embrace my body. I can feel her heartbeat against my chest and I can hear her voice whispering softly in my ear.

Why would she want to be near someone as broken and damaged as me? I'm not worthy of her love, her kindness, her touch. The image of the strong, untouchable Heeseung is one I built because I know, deep down, that no one will stay for me. But she's here, holding me tightly, making me realize that for once, I'm not alone. It's the only thing that's grounding me at this moment. Her arms around me, her warmth seeping into my skin, and her voice soothing the broken pieces of my heart.

I cling to her like a lifeline, letting out all the pain and fear that I've been holding inside for so long. It's a release, a catharsis, and I'm grateful that she's here to witness it. I don't care about whatever that's happening around me, all that matters is in this moment, I'm not alone.

She's here, and that's enough to make me feel like I'm not completely broken.